So, my brother is graduating from basic training this weekend. Over the past four months, I have come to respect and love my brother more than I ever knew how before. He’s not my little brother anymore. He is growing up; a man of God that desperately wants to seek God’s design and glory in his life. Beyond words and explanations, I have been learning from this man. I have read his letters and listened intently on short, sporadic phone calls to hear about his encounters with the seekers at his base.

I see the Lord softening and refining him in a way that reveals who God Himself is. If you had asked James who he was before he left for basic training, he might have given you more than you wanted to hear. He is opinionated, knowledgeable, and openly invites discussions and debates alike. He had an opinion about everything. Though I’m sure he is no less opinionated, I know my brother has grown in the confidence of his faith. He is firmly established and rooted in the love of Christ (Eph. 5), where he gladly places his trust.

Whether friendly debate or heated defense of his faith, James is ready for any conversation. I so admire his willingness to ‘fight like a man’ in the arenas of faith and morality, when his peers are completely convinced he is wrong.

I know he will seek the Lord in his plans for college next Spring, but I also know that he will treasure every minute with family and friends until he leaves.
I praise God for him!

My brother Will casts a giant shadow, though you wouldn’t think it to look at his stocky, wrestler frame. William is a man of his word; a man of integrity; a man of wisdom. I’ve known this for awhile, I guess, but just lately I’ve taken interest.

In his subtle (sometimes silent) way, William delights in what is good. And he really delights – ask anyone who has been around to hear him giggle! Everyone seems to know he is invaluable for any project one might attempt – whether it’s shingling a vertical roof or organizing groups of rowdy kids or fixing anything with an engine (we’ve all at some point taken advantage of his mechanical abilities). But, press on he does: determined to make each project a new challenge and success. He works hard and requires little gratitude, making his efforts reflect his devotion to the Lord.

For the past couple summers, he has completely donated his time to growing a small rural camp in order to bring the message of the gospel to children in that area. Every single counselor would take a bullet for him, but they would have a hard time stepping in front of Will to get there. He is as protective as he is inclusive; and I’ve learned much from the brotherly love he gives to anyone he meets.

Maybe my most treasured blessing in William is his character. He has been patient with me even in my foolishness. He has encouraged me in the midst of confusion. He has called me out when I least want to hear it.

What a blessing he is!

My brother Samuel is a coach; not for a job, but as a lifestyle. After mixing his Creatin drink when I was in 8th grade, I remember his praise meant the world to me then and still does today. He is 4 years older than I am, but when I followed his footsteps to Holland, Michigan, our friendship started to take root.

I’ll admit he was a bit rough around the edges when I was growing up, but now that I’m living in Austin, I realize how wonderful it was to be in the same town (Holland) while I was in college. I remember a conversation I had with him my freshman year at Lemonjello’s (the famed coffeeshop college hangout). He was telling me about meeting Bethany (now my sister-in-law) and the way God had prepared his heart. He said, “Care, I was finally to the point where I was okay with just me and God. I knew that He would provide, but I wasn’t actively searching for anything. … and then I met Bethany.”

I remember the excitement of meeting Bethany and my respect for my brother grew because of the person he had found to share his life with… she was amazing! Being a part of their lives impacted my life in a way I’ll never forget. I lived with Samuel and Bethany the summer after my junior year while I worked two jobs in Holland. I got to watch their struggles and joys – and I experienced their great, big love.

Samuel has committed to ‘coach’ by pouring into everyone in his life: his wife, his family, friends, students, and co-workers. I still call him for his coaching every once in awhile!

So these are the brothers God blessed me with – and oh how blessed I feel!
Look next for “my sister; my sanity” coming shortly:)

A short history
These thoughts come from many experiences and specifically new events in my home church. I was blessed to grow in up a church that I still consider as close as family. My youth pastor was like a second father and who else but my pastor would allow a young senior in high school to take a class on Jonathan Edwards and his “Religious Affections”? I am deeply moved every time I remember the passion and heart with which I was shepherded. And every time I thank God for their passion I praise Him for their dedication to preach the whole counsel of God, without shame or apology.

I moved away to college and struggled to find the same family committed to the Lord’s teaching, but was still blessed to live among other believers. The single most memorable and life-changing factor in my college years were the relationships with people. I lived in Chicago for one semester, where I was blown away by the community of Park Community Church. I found believers, accountability, friendship, and the familiar challenge to seek God and His Word first.

On June 24, 2007 I was baptized in front of my “home” church community and was again overwhelmed at God’s grace in providing me with such a family.

On July 12, 2007 I moved to Austin, Texas to serve in a volunteer position at St. Edward’s University. The Lord prepared the way for community at First Evangelical Free Church, and within weeks of my arrival I was living with a godly couple from church, involved in the Singles ministry, connected through a small group, established membership, started to serve on the middle school ministry team and found several other outlets through friends and over coffee. Stepping into community here is by far the most important decision I have made in Austin, apart from my own personal discipline in quiet times with the Lord.

Life Together
I recently picked up Dietrick Bonhoeffer’s “Life Together” and I’ve been refreshed, encouraged, and challenged to find the uncompromising community that is about Christ. Bonhoeffer reminds us that Christian community is not a right. We have done nothing to achieve fellowship… in fact if it was up to us we would never experience the joy and blessing of community.
“…it is only by a gracious anticipation of the last things that Christians are privileged to live in visible fellowship with other Christians. It is by the grace of God that a congregation is permitted to gather visibly in this world to share God’s Word and sacrament. Not all Christians receive this blessing. The imprisoned, the sick, the scattered lonely, the proclaimers of the Gospel in heathen lands stand alone. They know that visible fellowship is a blessing.” (Life Together p. 18)
Having grown up in such an amazing community, I often forget that is completely a gift of grace that I am able to participate in community at all. Bonhoeffer talks about how even the physical presence of other believers is more than a great comfort – it’s elemental; part of the very nature of our being created by a triune God. I know I’ve written on relationship and the Trinity in the past, but this is not a topic one can wear out. How amazing the grace we receive as we sit in community. How amazing!

Community only in and through Christ
With every page I turned in “Life Together,” I was moved with its timelessness. I haven’t finished the book because I keep re-reading paragraphs and reminding myself that this work was first published in 1954. Some of the very issues D.A. Carson addresses in his book, “Becoming Conversant with the Emergent Church” are found in the lines of this little book, from a man who was desperate to restore God’s picture of community in a disillusioned country following a maniacal leader.
I can say it no more clearly than Bonhoeffer himself,
“Christianity means community through Jesus Christ and in Jesus Christ. No Christian community is more or less than this. …It means, first, that a Christian needs others because of Jesus Christ. It means, second, that a Christian comes to others only through Jesus Christ. It means, third, that in Jesus Christ we have been chosen from eternity, accepted in time, and united for eternity.” (21) Amen!

Christian community exists because individuals have had unique encounters with Jesus Christ alone, experiencing the sentence of sin and the sovereignty of salvation through Christ. The individual becomes astutely aware of his need for righteousness while at the same time knowing that it will not come from himself (for he is dead), but from outside of himself.
“Because he daily hungers and thirsts for righteousness, he daily desires the redeeming Word. Help must come from the outside, and it has come and comes daily and anew in the Word of Jesus Christ…”
And God has put His Word in the mouths of men! We need each other so that God’s Word can be spoken into our lives – we “meet one another as bringers of the message of salvation.” God lets us do this by giving us community!

That said, the model of many “Christian” communities today is much different. Instead of explaining the necessity of understanding Christ and salvation, we want numbers, seekers, and open doors – none of which are bad things in themselves, but if we forget the essence of the community that reflects God’s design we are dancing in dangerous territory. Even the word community has become stale in its overuse – people understand the need for relationships, but the application outside of its original, biblical context leaves present- ‘Christian community members’ lacking what true Christian community should produce.

Too many churches try to promote and encourage Christian community without first understanding that true Christian community exists with believers in Jesus Christ, where their fellowship is firmly founded. This, more than anything else, will draw seekers. The first church in the book of Acts engaged in radical community and they added to their number daily! But, they did not set out to dazzle the critics or duplicate their non-believing counterparts… No, they were clearly about the Jesus Christ and the sacrifice He made for each one of their souls. There is no better way to be relevant or culturally sensitive than to share the miracle of God’s grace in salvation and His grace in allowing His children fellowship in a community.

This is getting quite lengthy (not surprising). It is at these times I can sympathize with our straw friend the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz who so desperately wanted a brain. I feel as if I’m running after something that will always be just out of my reach. Yet, even as it slips out another time, I am blessed to have glimpsed, even partially, the fleeting thoughts because I know that they are part of a Truly bigger whole.

I will hopefully return to this soon!

Don’t pray in my school and I won’t think in your church.
(observed on a bumper sticker in the faculty parking lot)

I’m not really sure what to make of that statement. Have we really succeeded in living in dichotomy?

The loudest word in that sentence (to me) is don’t. For all the efforts to be inclusive, our culture is sending mixed messages. Can we really keep prayer out of school? Is it something we can legislate, regulate, and monitor? Really? And, is it too much of a cognitive leap to question whether thinking only happens in academic settings? If that were true, we would be without much of what contemporary knowledge is based in the first place (a completely separate argument).

Matters of faith require the most thought, reflection, and study. The brightest “secular” scholars are baffled by the doctrines of faith not because the doctrine lacks sense, but because the scholar lacks sight. Blaise Pascal (one of my life heroes) lived the struggle between secular and sacred. The Catholic church (the Jansenists, not so much mainstream Catholicism) shunned him because he had given in to the “lusts of the world” by using his mind to study and research. Yet the academics refused his insight because of his philosophical approach to secular subjects, i.e. he did not subscribe to the ‘reason’ of men like Descartes. And what a man Pascal was! Today, if you look up his name you’ll find physicist, mathmetician, philosopher, inventor, child prodigy, theologian… his thought to this day shapes our understanding of the world we live in!! [see vacuum, calculator, geometry, probability, economics…the list goes on]
This, from the man who spent a life wrestling with wild accusations that he either should not use his gifts in light of his faith OR he should use his gifts of understanding at the expense of his faith.

A wonderful, beautiful thing about Blaise is that he left much of his struggle behind by weaving words together. One can find pages of “quotable quotes” from his writings – he is known in both ‘secular’ and ‘sacred’ circles. But, even today some are confused when attempting to describe the man with all the wisdom.

In his Pensees, he wrote,
“For after all what is man in nature? A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either. The ends of things and their beginnings are impregnably concealed from him in an impenetrable secret. He is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness out of which he was drawn and the infinite in which he is engulfed.” (#72)

Hence, the plight of the so-called ‘secular’ academic. If ‘thinking’ is really what we encourage in educational institutions, then it can no easier be constrained by the bounds of ‘secularism’ than a young pup in wild chase of a cat. God created our minds to wonder and wander, but all to reflect the magnificent and inconceivable mind of Himself the Creator.

Yes, please think in my church, maker of the bumper sticker.
Please come in and think the way God intended all human beings to think… for that will lead you straight to your knees, where you will join others in a desperate prayer for redemption.

So, here I am again… all this thinking has been building up awhile and I’m trying to let it out slowly:) But there is always so, so much to say…which is why these thoughts are somewhat random…

I’ll start by loving on Austin. I have been welcomed, loved, and throughly made a part of the community here in Austin. It’s kind of a funny town (well, if you are where I come from Austin is more of a metropolis!) – people still act as though there are only 250,000 people when the reality is they’ve passed 750,000 and are still growing!
In any case, I’ve quickly grown to love the hot, sticky days, the availability of tacos and empanadas at every hour, and the agreement amongst Austinians to be surprised at nothing. Within two weeks of my arrival I had found a church and attended its membership class, found a place to live, visited a Bible study, enjoyed lunches ‘out’ courtesy of my co-workers, and attended an Irish play. How wonderful!

Here’s an excerpt from my journal on July 16, four days after I’d arrived:

Well, I’ve arrived, moved in, wandered, explored, got lost, been awkward, found my way… and I’m now sipping White Peony tea by a small bubbling fountain under a white-spotted sky. How have I found myself here? What a bizarre turn of events that landed me so far from anything familiar. Yesterday I was challenged to think about what the ALSOs are in my life (I need/desire Christ and ALSO___). This, sadly, is a reflection of me. I desire with my whole heart to love and serve and bring glory to my Maker …and I ALSO desire to succeed here…and I ALSO desire a trip to Europe next summer… and I ALSO desire for the students to like me… and I ALSO (insert many more)

Hmm… I struggle with my “alsos,” but I understand that Christ suffered for those things – those idols – that continually beg to steal worship that belongs to the Lord! I know that by the power of Christ in me, and nothing else, I can choose to give worship wholly unto the Lord. As I just told a friend – the ‘alsos'(or closets) in our lives may not be something we need to ask God to take away, but rather things we need to peel our eyes from and look up to our Savior, the author and perfector of our faith. Yes! This Savior who, for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God. Consider CHRIST who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart (Hebrews 12:2-3 paraphrase). These things, these “alsos,” attempt to grow us weary and disheartened… but we are blessed to endure! And all the world’s “alsos” are a trifle compared to Christ’s suffering and the future glory we will see.

I’ve been reading in Acts (an ongoing affair I only just finished up) and came upon chapter 19. Paul was in Ephesus teaching about the Holy Spirit and blessing the disciples there. His teaching infuriated some, who argued against the Way, but Paul kept right on preaching – TWO years he preached until all in the province of Asia had heard the Word of the Lord (8-10). Can you imagine?

God was healing people and curing diseases through his servant Paul – amazing! The people were amazed too – some Jews went about trying to drive out demons in the name of Jesus. “One day the evil spirit answered them, ‘Jesus I know and I know about Paul, but who are you?'”(Acts 19:15) The evil spirit jumped out onto them, overpowered them, and sent them running naked and bleeding. The name of the Lord was then greatly feared throughout their land – people came forward and confessed their evil deeds.
wow.
“Jesus I know and I know about Paul, but who are you?”
They were right to be afraid – and no more than we should live with holy fear today. I praise God that I know I am His, but I kept hearing that question “…but who are you?” I thought about it when my actions did not reflect a holy fear for my Savior.

I pray that I will not become calloused, but tender towards the Almighty God, who for His glory offered grace to me.

All the alsos will fade like flowers in the dripping, Austin heat, but the breath of the Lord is a strong and mighty wind that evokes holy fear from all of creation.

It rained last night. I absolutely love the smell of raindrops… I even love the smell of almost-raindrops, when the sky is busy in all its natural rain-making splendor. Last night the storm hovered and hesitated with bold, bright streaks first painting the sky. I used to watch storms in Iowa and we could see the storm churning for miles over the soft, rolling hills. Every once in a while my fright reminded me of the strength of the wind and rain – how the unwieldy power of nature is held together on the fingertips of the Most Powerful. I’ve been thinking a lot about the Most Powerful lately, as well I should be – can I really say something else is more worthy of my thoughts?

Just over a week ago, I attended a conference in Chicago. I’m still dumbfounded in trying to process, explain, or express the blessing of even attending. My mentor tipped me off and encouraged me to go, but it was only days before the conference started. By the time I mustered the financial faith to register, it had already closed. God (in all His grace) provided a way for me to get there, so I quickly emailed the coordinators with my best “college student-desperate-to-learn-and-grow” plea and a wonderful man named Matthew assured me a spot! In a cozy room of only about 500, I listened to pastors and theologians expound on what is and has always been the main thing: the GOSPEL. Yes, I know. It seems cumbersome and almost redundant to go back to the ‘assumed’ central claim of the Christian faith. But, oh how critical and completely necessary it is!

I listened to some very wise men speaking not from their own wisdom, but pointing directly to the only True wisdom, unfettered by culture or norms or comfort or relevance. Is it a stretch to say that this Wisdom (of God, in Scripture) need not be manipulated, changed, adapted, or morphed into something this generation can understand and declare as easily as ordering grilled instead of fried chicken? Lord help us if we begin to survey our spirituality as a menu, picking and choosing what best suits our desires for ‘growth’ and ‘development.’ My stomach just churns at the deception that so many of my peers have fallen into… even more unsettling are the churches signing on by the thousands to ministries that use the Gospel only peripherally. Some pastors/churches manipulate the Scripture and emphasize only the Word incarnate – Jesus’ life. But, how much are we missing when we forget Jesus was there in the very beginning? Eternally before the foundations of the world, Father, Son and Holy Spirit existed beautifully in the Trinity and will exist eternally in the new heavens and new earth.

I am spent.

I’m more than headed there – I think I’ve parked and lost the keys (which would NOT be surprising, because lately I have darn near watched things disappear right before my eyes).

My mind feels like a webpage – so many stimulating, flashy buttons and colors. I don’t know where to go next or what to push. I am scrolling up and down for the information I need, but I realize I’m not on the right site at all and when I try to backtrack I come to deadends. Stress? Sure, probably. Anxiety about graduation? Not completely sure. Just plain old misdirected energy? For certain.

The more crowded the pages of my mind become, the less I turn to the only Source for peace. We all know where that leads you: to the breakdown dead-end with no keys, no excuses, and no good reason to be asking for or accepting pity.

Let’s be straight about this, folks. At this point, all I need is a good talking to – the old fashioned kind that grandmother’s would lovingly give when they found out you’d been taking “breaks” from helping in the garden to sneak cookies in the kitchen. But don’t worry – I’m managing a pretty good war of words in my own mind, admonishing, advising, and alerting when I stray.

Oh, how I wish I could actually sit and think… and then type. I know it would be more productive and useful – and FUN – I so enjoy a good romp on the open-air, word terrain (see, it’s times like these that even you wish I had more time!). But, I have officially self-diagnosed (something you’re never supposed to do) myself with ADD and I must return to a psychology lab report.

I did have a wonderful chat with my sister today – it’s amazing that even states away God can give us experiences and lessons that encourage and build up one another. She seems to be thriving as only a well-dressed, office cubicle up-and-comer ought to be. The joy and pride she finds in her work speaks so much of her character… but I also have to smile to myself because I’ve seen glimpses of big and bold dreams coming from that girl that I can’t wait to see unfold!

My mom had contest today for her students and my thoughts drift back to when I would tag along, her cloth music bag on my left shoulder, heavy with contest pieces. I always tried to be thumbing through important papers or adding a clever remark about judges, contests, or sound-proof rooms. I absolutely loved those times – so special! We would drive the school bus home and we would go through each student’s performance, naysaying judges and praising the hard work of her tight-knit group. A teacher could not be more fond or attached! Go Cougar Vocal!
—–
See – I AM distracted!

So, I’m sitting here sipping on Lemon Ginger Zinger and babysitting again as my Spring Break finishes up. I have my regulars Jack and Julia to babysit tomorrow morning and then Sunday brings a new week and a fresh start. Tonight it’s Elinore, who sadly had to retreat to bed shortly after I arrived. She is a stunning and impressive 16 month old – someone I would much prefer to my lonesome, save the cats earlier this week. It really has been interesting, though, looking at my life left to its own devices. I actually don’t really like it.

I’m looking forward to my housemates coming back if for nothing else the consistency of seeing faces and engaging in interaction every day. I kid myself that I’m a real loner – that I belong in the dark, quiet places where I can think. The funny thing is – when I actually find myself there, it’s all I can do to stay put and be useful. I realized this in Chicago as well. I need people. Sure, we all need people, but I know that in order for me to fully function in the body of Christ I need to be in contact with the body as a community. Without accountability I’m unpredictable and unreliable.

On the way back from Indy last weekend, I battled the long stretches of silence. I don’t know if anyone can relate to those times in the car where no music is the right kind. Every CD I put in or radio station didn’t seem to connect. When it comes down to it, I was strangely unsettled when I wasn’t moved or inspired by the music. I wanted something to connect – gratify my desires and feelings for that specific time.

I ended up shutting off the music completely and painting the road with my own words and rhymes. I’m glad I didn’t record what followed, but I stumbled upon a few things that put me again in the role of student. I remember one phrase that came up:
I’ve got a pocket full of problems and a heart heavy with dreams. There are visions dancing on the backdrop of my eyes…

Sure – it’s sappy. Given time, I’m sure a writer could make it into a killer radio single. But, then again you could give anything that slightly rhymes to writers these days and they’ve got 13-year-olds belting out the chorus within weeks. That’s not where I was going, though.

In some ways, it describes the struggle I have – we all have – with what lies ahead. There will never be a time in our lives where we are problem free. Really – never. And as much as we are weighed down with earthly agendas, we are burdened with the weight of an all-consuming glory – a glory that opens the curtain and sets the stage for the most brilliant play that ever was.

There’s that… and then there was something else. It started with a seed. In one of the bible studies I’m a part of, we recently studied the parable of the sower and the seeds (I think I wrote on this awhile back). I started thinking about birth, growth, and the anticipation involved in the whole process. What a wondrous thing it is to have a beginning, to take root and claim space for your existence. Really – to think on life and creation is so beautifully wound up in beginnings.

The seed – so small, seemingly vulnerable is put into the ground, inches down and covered with soil. What assurance have we that this small piece of matter will produce anything of substance? Yet, creation is fed by the harvests of many fields and zillions of tiny, precious seeds. After the seed is planted, the sower starts the first of many impatient phases. Oh! The things we find to fret about – rain, no rain, too much rain, animals, insects, fertilizer, good soil, run off, weeds… I grew up between rows of corn and soybeans. I know what it is to have conversation begin and end with a report on the coming crop.

But, back to that tiny, tender beginning planted just so.
(From this point on, I may sound naive and a bit amateur to the way of plant life and green growth, but maybe it will make sense to someone else as it does to me.)
We can not control at precisely what moment that seed is ready to sprout. Sure, we’ll know about when it should happen. But, when all is quiet above the surface, that little seed is going about making roots… roots that will sustain the future plant. Only when the roots have stretched far and deep enough for precisely that plant will the wondrous sprout appear. Enter impatient phase #2 (and so on).

Now, not ever actually having the burden most farmers carry about their crops almost as if they are children, it may seem hard for me to relate. But, the way I see it, I get so impatient for the plant first to break ground. I want to see that something is happening. I want to know that I didn’t plant a dud – the only evidence, save digging up the poor thing, comes after waiting. I might say to myself, “If I could just see it come above ground. I just want to know it’s taken root – that’s all. I just need to see that I’ve done this work for nothing. Really, then I will trust the rest.”

Sure enough, when that solitary green shoot emerges in a bed of brown, I get excited. I know I’ve done something right. But now, I’m only more tormented with anticipation. “Why is the process so painfully long?” I might say, “Why can’t we skip to the part where there is fruit and leaves and life coming from this thing I planted?”

But, more waiting. Funny that with each stage of growth I forget more and more about the spreading roots of the beginning. I spend little time wondering at the process of growth and much time impatient for its completion.

Let’s say this seed I planted was a tree. What a long, excruciating process – one that I will never see complete in my lifetime. I can almost see myself, hunched over, whispering words of encouragement with great urgency. “Can’t you grow any faster? Friend, I’ve given you water and sun and all those things they say to give in the magazines. I’ve done it – now when will you grow?”

Winter comes and ice decorates the cold, bare branches. Even though I know the season will pass, it’s hard for me not to lose hope. To see the infant tree in such a poor, paralyzed state is quite a harsh thing to encounter from a snow-glazed window. Yet, as death and dormancy melt away on its gray exterior, impatience grabs hold once again. “When, oh when will the leaves come? Those are such a sure sign of life and a welcome assurance of spring.”

I could go on – and this would turn into a very sad tale. I would be somewhere in the range of 68 years old, staring out the same window, rocking gently in the soft groove on the wood floor, maybe preoccupied as I knit mittens for a grandchild. My gaze would be fixed on that same tree, now grown and sturdy, but still waiting, hoping, and anticipating.

Oh, that is quite enough! The question is: what are we – what am I really impatient for? If I am waiting and anticipating the sprout, the leaves, the blooms – if these drive my anticipation and excitement than I am missing completely the joy and beauty of things created. I will time and again be disappointed and never satisfied. Why? Because what I’ve missed is that everything, from spreading roots to the shade-giving branches, is merely a reflection. If I’m impatient for more of the reflection, then I will never see the true beauty.

When the children of Israel begged Moses to petition God they asked that He remove the snakes biting at their heels. They were getting sick from the venom and were desperate for a cure. God answered by not removing the snakes, but by asking His children to simply shift their gaze. Because snakes, too are a part of His creation, and if we are distracted for even a moment we are looking at a mere reflection. God told them to look up to the bronze serpent and those who obeyed found instant healing! I won’t go into the symbolism in this passage, but it is clear that we are far too easily consumed with created things. If I spend my life anticipating things in the created realm I will never be satisfied. Yet, if I shift my gaze toward Christ, the author and perfector of my faith, I am no longer looking at a reflection, but at the True, Real Beauty.

I am almost embarrassed at how long this is… I know I could have said everything in a couple sentences, but like it or not, the words just come. There’s so much more to these blessings – and also their role in my burdens right now. But, this is quite enough for tonight! I am going to finish up A Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis – what a marvelous and enchanting read!

This week has been long and revealing. I am thankful for even the ugly parts brought to the surface when no one is looking. I need only shift my gaze to know that the God of all the universe waits to lavish his love and laughter on this child.

peace and grace.

I’m listening to a sermon series that my brother and sister-in-law suggested with the above title. I’m not even sure where to start, except to say that I feel blessed. It is all wound up in what I have been learning these past few weeks. But, then, there I go again with the “I’s.“

Really, what I learn and even how I learn has nothing to do with me (unless we are talking about how learning is impeded!) and has everything to do with God. This new sermon series has taken these notions and brought them to the surface, where my understanding of who God is becomes a reflection like that of the blazing sun on a placid lake.

The questions posed at this stage in life seem to loom so big – where are you going, when are you going there, why did you choose that profession or this place? But, where do these questions begin? They begin with me, and therefore they begin with details. I don’t want to attempt the kind of micro-managing involved in counting hairs on heads and each sparrow that falls. Thank the Lord that is His.

Will there ever be a career discussion that asks, “What will bring God glory? What will bring holiness and righteousness and JOY?” For, these are the things, when chosen, bring blessing. It matters not if I choose this city or that vocation. It matters if like Isaiah I can say, “Here I am, Lord.” That is it. “Send me, Lord.”

Not:
Where will you send me? Or
How long will I be gone? or
Who will store my bedding and pay off my loans while I’m gone?

No, these questions begin with a distrust for God’s sovereignty. I have to know because God has promised that He will work all things for the good; He indeed will deliver as promised. I believe that. Now my decisions carry less weight because whether I choose this city or that career, God’s will and sovereign plan remain.

There is no way to exhaust these thoughts or even to make sense of the marbles I just threw onto the floor by writing all this jumble. BUT, that is for another day. I’m off to Science class to learn about the technology of transistors.