Category: Thoughts

A weekend with Thoreau…and the psychology of bad days

No, I didn’t spend my weekend reading At Walden Pond, but I do feel like I escaped to a kind of heart place.

Here’s a bit of Thoreau, beautifully slicing through muddled messages to strike a chord and beat a rhythm my soul loves!

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan- like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.”

I guess in some ways this explains why going back to Iowa is so wonderful. It was between rows of beans and corn that my passion for life and hunger for adventure was sown years ago. From my front porch, my dreams soared over the subtle, rolling hills and stretched out to the horizon. In the hours of farm chores, under layers of coveralls, I learned to sweat and work with my hands.

I guess my trip back to Iowa was something like this. Breathing in air that seeps up from the ground and down from the sky, unadulterated by city in between.

—
As much as I would like and need to elaborate on the weekend, it’s already Wednesday and I have to get my thoughts out before the grinding gears rust my brain.

I just now added the second part of this blog title (psychology of bad days) because, well that was today for me. The amazing, smile-worthy part is that it’s only 2:30 and I figured this out now… so now the second half can be grand!

I rolled out of bed with problems from yesterday still clinging to me like the insistent cigar smell on my black wardrobe. Computer failures, “technical difficulties,” article deadlines, group projects, working late… I’m sure you could add a few things and safely say they reared their heads this morning as I sat working on an unresponsive computer at 6:45.

By the time I got to class, I gave honest answers to the “How are you” question. But, for some reason, it didn’t make me feel better that my friends knew I was frustrated. I wore out the ‘just-having-a-bad-day-and-let-me-have-one’ sigh by the time I went back to the apartment for lunch. Just before I left, though, I returned to my center after reading an email from my sweet sister in Indy. Not only did it put in perspective my mood and attitude, it gave me some good meat to chew on as I trudged home.

So, I heated up some of my favorite Progressive vegetable soup and sat down with John Piper. At one point I just rested my head on the table…it felt like someone was in my head cranking an ice cream maker. It was silent in the apartment but I couldn’t concentrate because I was thinking about so many things. Just to clarify 1. I wasn’t over-caffeinated and 2. I’m not one of those highly intelligent people who actually have weighty things their brains need to be stressing over.

I wish I could dive into some of the discussions John Piper tackles, but that will have to be left for those who want to sift through it themselves.

I did some cleaning – always therapeutic – but by the time I left my apartment, I still couldn’t muster a smile.

I realized as I began my trek back to the program office, that the whole morning I chose not joy.
If I truly want to seek my ultimate joy, then I won’t give in to the bad day. If I seek my own joy, then I seek God’s pleasure, His creation, people, service, and truly admire the gifts poured out as blessings in front of me.

I walked down to the el in the 10 minute trip to class again. I felt a smile fill up my chest. I’m sure the man sitting across from me wondered how my joy increased so dramatically for no apparent reason. I walked up from the el and realized I hadn’t admired the sun yet today. I pulled out my smile like it’d been tucked away beneath the world in my bag and it still worked.

The more I pursued joy, the more joy there was to be found!

In my last entry I wrote about my new friend in Indy, and today (of course just when I needed it) she blessed me with encouragement and delight. I had written that I hoped our friendship would smell sweet. And, I realized that might need some explanation. In 2 Corinthians 2:14-15, “But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.”
Paul writes that we are the sweet smell of Christ… I love this picture that makes awake our senses to the knowledge of who God is and others can’t help but notice.
I could go on, of course.

It’s evening now and our classes are about to give presentations on neighborhoods in Chicago. There is so much more to write about these past few days, but it will have to wait. Apologies for all that doesn’t make sense… I just had to write out something before the man in my head cranked my thoughts into lumps of melting ice cream.

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for those interested

so…I’ve been posting some of the short papers I’m writing for Values and Vocations class, along with some other thoughts for the school part of this semester. They are on a different blog – www.discerninginchicago.blogspot.com
if anyone is interested.

I’m off to bed… sleeping early and rising before the sun. The world really smells better before it wakes up. I think I might walk on the lake before I have to go to class. But, then again, who knows where the Lord will direct my steps? Last week I met Sisco. This week? I don’t know. But I do know that my grandma is praying for me… and I think that’s why I feel so safe. God is using the powerful prayers of His people – so many blessings!

Oh, and today I am now friends with a beautiful sister from Indianapolis. Her spirit is refreshing and full of energy. I only just met her, but I know she has much to teach me … I am hoping ours is a friendship of the sweet-smelling kind.

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scattered thoughts

I met my friend Lis last night at Panera. We meet on Mondays at 5:15 and I look forward to it all week. This past Sunday, the message was about discipleship and I instantly thought of Lis. We learned about the importance in investing in someone else’s life not for your benefit or for theirs, but for God’s glory. No, God can’t benefit from a beautiful relationship, but His glory is revealed in our pursuit of holiness. I went up to Scott Clifton, an amazing man who serves as the missions pastor at Park, and asked for prayer after the service. I told him about the girls I’d met and about how I want to pour into their lives in a deep way. I want to be the iron that sharpens and the friend that loves like Jonathan. I really want to be that for these girls. I also told him about my heart being pulled a few ways for ‘after-college’ things. He said it sounded like I needed to think about Chicago. Hmm. Anyway, I was blessed by his conversation and prayer and went on.

I found out yesterday that Lis thought of me when she heard the message, too. We had such an amazing time of sharing. I wish I could explain the glint of her eyes when she gets excited. ..I think it might be something like the candy pop rocks. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried them, but the minute you put the little crystallized candies in your mouth they start mini explosions. I love it. That’s the look I got when we started talking about our being clay in the Potter’s hand. Her joy exploded and it was contagious. Love her!

Today at work I got all the information I needed to contact our Partners in India, Philippines, and Zambia. They won Gender Awards and I’m writing features on what they did with the award money. It still seems a little surreal.

I can hardly believe it – home on friday! I’m trying really hard not to think about how I’m going to spend every hour of my time. My mom is uber-stressed about musical (of course she’s doing a musical directly after all-state tryouts), but I will love watching their practice on friday. I also get to catch my brother’s last football game and would love nothing more than to join the fam in the stands and cheer on my studly brother as he claims his own ground (beyond the youngest status).

I’ll hopefully make the rounds… but the reason I’m flying home is for my friend Anna’s wedding. I love her and I love weddings – so the day should be joyful! It will be a time to reconnect with people whose lives have taken them miles from where we first met and made memories.

Today such amazing news – one of my wonderful cousins is going to have a BABY. I couldn’t believe it when I read the email, but it is such a joyful thing!

One last random tidbit – Old Testament study and Jen Cousino
Last night was the Old Testament Bible study and I really feel I have so much to learn! I had a dull headache the whole time just for the sheer weight of the words. We just studied the New Covenant, in both the Old and New Testament and the blood of Christ is so so so so deep. I can’ t understand it. I really want to learn, though.

Well, this is the shortest and most scattered thing I’ve written. I guess that’s it.

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green beans and working hands

I know before I write these thoughts that there is so much more to say. But, I’m only taking a short lunch break and have time to write my thoughts as they are.

On Saturday, my roommate headed home to do some laundry while I was still out doing my Saturday morning things. I stopped at the Farmer’s Market on the way home and picked up some red/green peppers and fresh green beans. I headed back up to the 16th floor with my home-grown, farmer-friendly groceries and decided I needed to prepare the green beans for my coming week’s lunches.

Memories came like a downpour: mom with a bag and a bowl on the side of Aunt Jane’s swimming pool, talking, watching, and snapping peas from our garden… Or, mom bent over between the lush green rows as one brother zipped by on the lawn mower and another clanked and banged on metal in the nearby machine shed… Or my sister and I propped on the kitchen counter, yapping away as mom washed some of the green produce in the sink, preparing for an after-chore feast at 8:00.

I sat on my little sofa in my empty apartment with the soft sounds of some earthy Appalachian gals singing on my CD player. Beside me, a plastic bag full of the green, lanky beans still smelled of farm and garden and in front of me a large, silver bowl awaited the delicious bounty. I snapped and thought, discarding the bad and saving the good. Even the sound of the snap and the rhythm of my movements caused the corners of my mouth to stretch wide.

I loved it.

I know – how much can you get out of snapping some green beans? Well, a lot. There’s something about using your hands… something about making good use of what you’ve got that just sends shouts of exhilaration through my fingertips.

The connection to my work today didn’t escape me. I am currently writing about the Global Conference coming up in May that will be in the Dominican Republic. Our theme is Envisioning our Future: A World Transformed and we are using imagery and Scripture of the potter/clay.

How beautiful that God, too, delighted in the work of His hands! He so carefully and masterfully molds, shapes, and forms His creation for divine purposes. There are so many references to our being clay in God’s hands, completely at the mercy of what He would create. In Romans 9:21, we read that God shapes us all for purposes, but who are we to say for what?

I could reflect on the beauty of these thoughts far longer than I have right now. I hope this brings someone a smile, though, just in contemplating how our working hands bring the Lord glory.

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another paradox…and another

I am blessed. I truly am. I know it’s something people say all the time, but I don’t think all the time is enough. PTL (as my mom would say) because for some reason I am blessed.
Today I called my grandpa to wish him a happy 83rd birthday. He talked about how time changed, my travels and studies, and family. He talked for awhile about his 83 years and his children, their spouses and children, and a great grandchild. His tone was reflective, but beautifully thankful for the grace our family has received.

I also talked to my other set of grandparents tonight, because they are coming to VISIT! I am wonderfully excited and am constantly making mental notes about what they’d most like to see. The weekend will be marvelous, for sure, just because we’ll be together!

So… another paradox that made my list (and I should note that I could never fully explain these because they are somewhat unclear to me and also would probably bore whoever does read this) was the interesting subject of food and American culture. I know this might have already been tackled in a documentary, but I’m not sure that the ideology has been discussed.

We are told, through advertisements and feel good promotions that we can be what we want, do what we want, and (of course) eat what we want. Celebrities are known for saying their favorite meal is a cheeseburger or a delicious dessert. Our food is showcased in front of us behind glass cases with signs that say “treat yourself” and “you’ve earned it.” The idea that after a long day or week we’ve earned the right to these delicacies is interesting to me. Actually, it doesn’t really have to be earned, we just need to believe that the treat should be coming to us. Anyway, on the other side is our obsession with appearances. By no means deny yourself the treats, but somehow get your body to look dangerously thin and toned. The drug is NOWHERE to be found, but the prescription is ALL over the place! So, we end up quite confused when we are searching to merely eat what we’ve earned, but then are confronted with these images.

I think this may sound a little drastic, but remember, I don’t claim to know. I just claim to think. and it helps to write it out.

I’ve got to finish up a presentation on behavioral genetics – linking science, biology, culture, and religion. Yep, it’s interesting!

also… Tomorrow Hope for the Nations (org. on Hope’s campus) is having a Missions Fair and Panel, so if you’re into praying, it’d be great if you’d ask the Lord to bless the day. As well as next week, when the justice group will be showing the documentary, Invisible Children (www.invisiblechildren.com). The story is about children in Uganda that are being abducted and forced to fight in a rebel army made up almost completely of their peers. Lift up prayers!

Grace and peace.

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a paradox

So…interesting is an odd way to explain the past couple days, but I’ll do my best.
Last Saturday, I had a bad day. It wasn’t your run-of-the-mill my hair looks bad and I can’t find my homework kind of day. No, sadly I couldn’t pin it on something quite so simple.
I was not in a good mood and for the most part didn’t know why. There were some things that happened that frustrated me, but nothing big enough to warrant a whole day of bad moodiness. I was emotional, sad, and had more than one cry-session during the day. I didn’t want to be at my house, but didn’t really have a place to go, so I drove. Forgot to mention that I also don’t have any money…so I realized really fast that you basically can do nothing for free. Seriously! I was driving – money. Coffeeshop – money. I’m not the kind of person who can go into a business and just chill out without being a customer. So… I went to visit my friend who works at Gap. She had been having a rough day with our washing machine.
I called my sister around 5/6 and she did her best to scrounge up a solution. After a few failed attempts, she suggested I go to Barnes and Noble and just read for a while…in fact, she said buy yourself something and I’m going to send you $10 in the mail. ..”We don’t need circumstances to be happy, but sometimes God works through them.” GOD BLESS YOU SISTER!
So, I luckily brought along a book I’d been meaning to start for awhile, the first of the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers. From that point, I was hooked! I finished it early afternoon yesterday, after staying up until 6:30 am to read it! (That’s even late for the college clock!)

After I finished yesterday, everything else seemed so boring! I jumped right into the book and all the emotions I was feeling seem to come out in one way or another in the characters. It made me remember the times I would sit and read with my grandparents last summer. Oh what glorious times we had. I can’t wait for some more spare time for reading!

But, it must wait as I have looming projects, papers, and presentations that come with the end of the year. I have been (as always) doing a lot of thinking. Sometimes my thinking is related to subjects and sometimes it’s hard to find where it originated. But, anyway, lately my thoughts are towards the paradoxes we see in society, culture, and religion. It came from my realization of constantly being told/taught one thing, expected another, and encouraged to do yet another, and they all seem to be in conflict. What would we do, then? If we choose one do we fail another? Let me try to give an example…I actually have a running list, but I don’t want to be too overwhelming:
Okay, let’s take the ever-controversial topic of feminism. The ideas of feminism, as they developed over three waves, are generally good. They encourage women to be free-thinkers and not dependent on a system. Instead of being held captive in titles of ‘homemaker’ or ‘wife,’ feminism allows women to choose their career or life path freely. However, in the same name of feminism, women are voluntarily subjecting themselves to objectification. They fight against the box, but then put themselves in it – how does that make sense?

There are other examples, and I actually even found some in the lives of the characters of Voice in the Wind.

I know this can also be a picture of our spiritual life. We can fight against sin as Christians (through God’s grace), yet with our freedom we choose to trap ourselves in the box from which we were trying to be free. Why is this? I don’t know.

I think the questions, wonderings, and confusion I have is all balled up in my brain like the yarn at the end of my grandmother’s crochet. It’s full of color and tightly bound together. Every time I try to take a piece out I get more confused.

sidenote: I went to an art show the other day and it was so peaceful. I really enjoyed the serenity and pieces using all types of media. It made me want to be an artist. I do pretend, but sometimes I think I really want to be an artist.

i send my love to my grandparents, who I didn’t even know read this! and my mom – she spurs great thought without even knowing it!
Oh, and I am going to post my pictures soon from DC/NY – I promise!

Grace and peace.

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idols

well, i met with a group on Thursday that will be planning the next Veritas Forum in January of ’07 here at Hope. The theme is idolatry. They used G.K.Chesterton’s comparison of idolatry being like losing your address. If you can imagine walking to a destination from your home and then on the way back making small changes, compromises to the plan, so that where you end up is so far from you address that you have no idea how to get home.

We talked about the idols of nationalism, pluralism, the american dream, self-image, our own construction of god. We are a people living in a state of sin. Our sinful state is pervasive in our biology, psychology, governemnts, politics, society, media, and churches – everything.

Talking about idols made me realize how much our story is similar to the children of Israel. Of course, we are not under the same covenant, but the pattern is the same. God’s love always, his warnings, his commands, and then failure on Israel’s part, then God’s disappointment and then mercy.

I know this is not true for every account, but reading through any of the OT books will make you say, come ON! Don’t you get it! Do what God says and you’ll be fine! Interesting how it’s so easy to see when we are not the ones who stray.
I have just thinking about idols and idols in my life lately. Powerful stuff. I love going back to some Derek Webb lyrics, “Oh, Lord, I’m crooked deep down. Everyone is crooked deep down.”

hmmm…well, for some lighthearted news. it is an absolutely beautiful day here in MI! Sun, blue skies, and the faint smell of Spring in the air. I’m trying to figure out where my life will take me this summer and I’ve been looking for jobs around here, which should be interesting. One of my friends is going to hook me up with possibly a job at Captain Sundae’s – the local ice cream shoppe where Pres. Bush stopped on his way through town.

Well, I should get to some weekend homework. I have my eyes set on next Friday, the first day of SPRING BREAK!

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sent a letter

So, I just sent an email to the head of the missions committee at my home church. I tried to say something about my ‘intentions for missions.’ I can’t get over how presumptious that sounds. By the end, I was writing, “The first thing you’ll probably say and I need to hear is pray. amen.”
I don’t know what it is about us, maybe just me, that has a hard time getting over the production aspect of prayer and getting to the relational. I know I wrote on here before about how I’ve been learning that we are relational people, made in the image of a Trinitarian God. So, why do we pray as though our God only half hears and what comes back from our petitions is merely the product of an exchange. Eww. It sounds so…. human.

But, we can’t have it both ways. We can’t insist that our God is big, mighty, and TRUTH, but also confine our prayers and expectations to an exchange. Because God doesn’t need anything we have. Only by his mercy are we even allowed into the scheme at all. I should by bursting with the knowledge that I can have this relationship. I should be dancing like David that I can play a part. But, I still choose to pray dutifully, without much expectation. Wait, let me re-phrase that, I still choose to pray (sometimes) out of duty.

I’m getting used to this honest exposure, but it’s not making it any easier.

Anyway, I’m about to go to our house bible study. We are using the Beth Moore study called Believing God. If you ever need a good, southern kick in the pants about your faith – a talk that’ll fire you up and get you running from your spiritual couch – Beth Moore uses Scripture to show that belief, true belief, in God is not past or future. She uses the words present-active-participle. Which is something like believing in the continually acting always going, building, and learning sense. It’s so HUGE – this belief. That kind of makes sense, beings that our God is HUGE and, although our belief can never match his HUGENESS, believing is an on-going action.

Well, I’ve got to get going.

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sigh

how unfortunate that computers can’t communicate inflection or tone.
yeah, so I’m trying to get out of this deep groove where all i write about sounds silly and abstract, like i’m trying to philosophize. which is actually ironic, becuase there are only two, possibly three people that I know of that even know this blog exists… so my supposed soap box stands in front of a pretty slim crowd. yet, that little big guy inside me wants to write it as though the hordes of people are going to flock to my thick words and heavy reflections.
oh the woes of my brokenness.

the other day i read a phrase describing humans as ‘broken image bearers.’ i thought to myself, ‘now that sounds just pretty accurate of our condition.

i feel broken today. i just had a conversation with a friend about our community of friends. i was so torn – i’m still feeling it in my chest. i know, more than anything, that i contribute to our perpetual state of shallow.

ukk. i don’t like to talk about it because it makes me feel exposed. anyway, this conversation brought to the surface some hard, hard things. (isn’t it ironic that generally people are surface and shallow and when we finally reach down and get something of substance to pull up to our level of surfaceness it is worth talking about – it’s unusual… is there anyone that lives down there in the depths where the real thinking happens all the time? i imagine they would be pretty drained with all the issues people attach to sinkers, destined for the ocean floor.)

it is most constructive in this case to talk about my own failures – not because i want the attention (although I wouldn’t put it past me), but because of the whole remove the log out of your own eye before you examine the speck in your neighbors.

so – awhile back a friend confronted me about how my actions, words, little pieces of my lifestyle were hurtful to her. She sincerely felt judged, manipulated, and treated poorly. This conversation of course took hours because we are women, but nonetheless that was what was communicated. wow. i didn’t know what to say. ordinarily, and actually my mind automatically started doing this, i would bring up the defenses. i’ve gotten pretty good at framing myself as the victim, innocent, even in how I communicate my weaknesses.

i’ve always been able to say, ‘well, my struggles are on the inside.’ i think that frustrated my friends in high school, because they would say – WHERE DO YOU STRUGGLE? what sin is in your life that you battle? when i would say ‘inside’ it sounded like i dealt with less sin or something. that i had conquered the tangible sin and was just dealing with the not-so-horrible “inside” sin.

oh could we ever have been more wrong. this friend that was gracious enough to humiliate me made me realize that those ‘inside’ things i had been praying about, thinking about, even expressing in manipulated phrases – those things like pride, judgement, THAT SIN HURTS PEOPLE. it hurt my friend.

i just sat there completely shocked. no one in my life had ever done that to me before. i realized that i hadn’t let them. the minute i was in a conversation about sin and struggles i would manipulate it to show my struggles, but not be vulnerable enough to show that i needed to change. ouch. i can’t tell you how deep that pierced my soul.

God had softened my heart for that specific time so that I could just sit there and know that i deserved the humiliation, but my friend and God offered forgiveness. Praise the Lord. Yes, Praise the Lord.

anyway, so how this relates to my sighs now. .. my brokenness doesn’t take away God’s imprint – his handiwork in His creation. He takes great delight when His children really reflect him. I hurt for myself and for others that have a hard time reconciling the brokenness with the image bearing.

there’s so much more – but praise God. praise God for mercy. that is beautiful.

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wedding dress

wedding dress.

that’s the title of a song by derek webb. interesting take on who we are in Christ and what that means. sure, people talk about being the bride. but, i admit i’ve never thought of my sin and idolatry the way derek webb puts it. here’s a bit of the song:
cause i am a whore i do confess/ But I put you on just like a wedding dress/ And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle/ I’m a prodigal with no way home/ but I put you on just like a ring of gold/ And I run down the aisle…With one hand in a pot of gold/ And with the other in your side/ Cause I am so easily satisfied/ By the call of lovers so less wild/ That I would take a little cash/ Over your very flesh and blood…Because money cannot buy/ A husband’s jealous eye/ When you have knowingly deceived his wife

wow. i know – where before have you heard the word whore used in a “christian” song? that’s another topic, I suppose. It’s interesting – this analogy – because it makes me think of the children of Israel in the Old Testament. They were warned. The warnings might as well have been written in the sky in Deuteronomy. Yet, they put on the wedding dress as they entered the promised land. They breathed in overwhelming blessings, but soon forgot. God specifically said DO NOT FORGET THE LORD (Deuteronomy 4:23, 4:31, 6:12).
Oh, but they did. They prostituted themselves for so much less than what God offered and Jesus was to pay (he did not forget us –Isaiah 49:15-17).

I would be foolish to not say that this is my story as well. I see the blessings and embrace the promises God speaks in His word. Yet, I run down the aisle with one hand in that pot of gold and the other in his side.

the disconnect does more than cause confusion – there is truly a battle. yet – as i write this it seems ironic that such a weighty matter can be ‘food for thought,’ discussed over coffee or the dinner table. an intellectual morsel reflected upon and then cast aside when something shinier or sweeter comes along.

ick. this has got to be main dish material.

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