O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

They who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.

They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.

But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God’s name will praise him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

Lord, You are.

Lord, I will.

I just realized how absent it might seem I’ve been. Mostly due to busyness, I suppose.

But, some exciting things have happened, including my family visiting last weekend! After a most crazy and stressful week, my family road-tripped to the city for a short weekend. We navigated public transit, went to an eclectic (and colorful) place for breakfast, ate Chicago style pizza, and did just the right amount of walking to enjoy the city.

We even spent some time in my apartment just enjoying company – exchanging pictures and watching the Music Man in slide show form (that man seriously needs to think about buying a video camera!)

I’m not sure, but I think mom got enough standard “pretend like this is natural” shots on her camera, so I’m anxious to see those. My brothers – I’m not sure, but I don’t think I could be family with boys that are much cooler. Will and I stayed up late talking on Friday and I can NOT wait for him to come back through town with his two friends and Christina in tow this Tuesday!

James… I guess that thing called growing up (he’s already accomplished it in the vertical sense) is happening to him… I’m waiting to see when he realizes it’s not just a phase. 🙂

My parents are great – they brought some true, Iowa love to my streets. To all of you nay-sayers of city-friendliness: I get it from my parents!! It was truly lovely!

All that said… I have to return to what was stressing me out the week prior. At one point I called my grandparents in exasperation. Seasoned with (now veteran) understanding that God would provide and perseverance would produce beautiful blessings, I told them about my impossible task and project.

Only because I thought it so dear that my grandpa remembered this will I share the story:
“I remember seeing a little girl with two five-gallon buckets, near full, hobbling along. I looked down at her and said, ‘Don’t you think you should try taking one at a time?’ She looked back up at me and said, ‘Well, then I wouldn’t get any stronger, would I?'”

Yep, that was stubborn little me. I’m sure my unruly blonde hair and petite frame betrayed my confidence, but I’m sure in my mind I was completely serious. Now, I’m convinced all that determination only produced back problems… but my grandparents’ encouragement was sweet honey to days of seemingly vain toil.

UNTIL… on Tuesday I received an email from my boss while I was in Virginia. Her boss had just finished the presentation (that I’d been working on) to rave reviews! It did, indeed, turn out to be beautifully blessed and I am so thankful.

I must get back to my work or I’ll be backed up when I arrive tomorrow!!

Well, just when I think I get the hang of it – just when I start to know which sport, team, and hoop I’m aiming for – and just when I figure out how to lob the ball over the defenders twice my size… that’s when that little, forgotten thing called humility reminds me that I’ve forgotten my sneakers.

Dramatics aside, I took a hit today. The funny thing about humility is that its best embraced. I could deny or defend, but I’ll always end up at the same place.

In the Old Testament study last night, we were taking apart the Mosaic covenant. One of the things the leader said was, “Now, on what basis did God have to ask the people to obey and come into this agreement?” His point was (and Exodus shows) that God repeatedly reminds them of His delivering them from Egypt. He miraculously saved them from their hardened oppressors. My BS leader did say that God could demand this agreement solely on the basis of Who He is. I stopped there and marveled.

Even as early as Exodus, we see what Jesus’ character revealed on earth: humility. God was under no obligation to explain His sovereign plan. Yet, He humbled Himself to make an agreement – a covenant, which is something that humans understand and far below what God is capable of doing. He saw fit to include man in this redemptive narrative, even to help them understand it. This amazes me.

It seems like we always put our Triune God in a dichotomy, but Scripture refuses this simple categorization. The same Jesus we see, humbled and suffering for us, was ever present when God made covenants through Abraham and Moses. In Philippians, Paul writes that Jesus, being in very nature God… was the very nature of a servant.

Because God (Jesus) could never cease being God, we can see that being a humble servant is a very essential part of His nature. Wow.

My being humbled, then (however uncomfortable), is always a window to see a bit more of God’s character. Even knowing that, I’ve got to have something to wash it down. So, I am thankful for my CEO who decided that we always need to have fresh fruit in the office. Right now I have two pears sitting on my desk, waiting to ripen for a wonderfully fresh reminder that good things grow, produce, and are delicious.

I really shouldn’t limit wonderful days to two, but space and time can only contain so many thoughts.

Yesterday was amazing. The day was pretty normal as far as days go, except that I decided to do without coffee – don’t ask me why. My sister was like, “Of all days to give up your caffeine routine you chose your birthday?” I don’t really know why, I just went for the tea bag instead of the coffee pot when I got to work and I never switched over. Needless to say, my energy level was quite a bit lower than normal:) … But I accomplished a lot at work and had a chance to get to know another intern (who took me out to LUNCH at a great Thai place!)

As I was waiting for the bus, I fleshed out an analogy I’d been thinking on for awhile about our lives and how we plan. I’ve had the darndest time figuring out how to plan around public transportation. The thing is: I’m going to get there, wherever it is. I leave at the same time every morning and I go to the Red Line el(subway). It usually comes at the same time, but I never know. Then I rendezvous to the Blue Line, where I may have to wait 5 or 15 minutes, then I finally get to the transit center where I hope to catch the 7:40 bus. Even if I don’t make all my connections (like the day we had to evacuate the el and take shuttles because a car had landed on the tracks) I still get there. Is it just me or is that divinely applicable?

I have always liked to know… micromanaging seems like the best way to make sure I get things done and the way they should be. But, I canNOT control the public transportation system – I’m merely one person in its wider maze. I can plan to catch the 3:47 bus, but leave at 4:15. My plans don’t carry any weight… and I’ve come to see the beauty in that. It’s not about me, it’s not up to me, and it doesn’t depend on me. Isn’t this like my life?

(on to more blessed stories)
I met one of my bus friends both in the morning and afternoon and he was so kind and genuine. He sang me the “shorty it’s your birthday song,” which brought a smile. He also said something that will stick for a long time. It was after I had told him what book I was reading (Desiring God by John Piper) and where I went to church that he said, “Well, I knew you had faith the first time I saw you. Riding the bus… you just get observant about people and you got this thing about you.” Wow. Glory to God for His light – He is recognized by His creation!

I also was delightfully surprised by a couple of friends who left gifts on my bed before they left for the weekend. People are so thoughtful and it makes life beautiful!

So… then I met my friends Jenna and Lis at Jenna’s apartment downtown. How beautiful and blessed I am to know these girls. I seriously can not explain God’s power in bringing us together and allowing us to be so close in such a short time. We made fajitas (which turned out amazing, I might add) and had the most memorable celebration! We had a chance to bond and share about our lives, struggles, and dreams. They both have such special gifts… they are people the Lord will use! I could go on and on about them, but I have to hurry or I’ll lose steam!

Okay, so then today I got to spend with a family from my hometown. It felt so great to be around people who know me and my roots!! This refreshing day came just at the right time – I had so much fun talking, laughing, and fellowshipping. We did a lot of things I still hadn’t done since I came – Navy Pier, Sears Tower, Hershey’s store, lunch at Buca di Beppo’s, pictures at the bean. We sure walked a lot, but any of my friends would tell you that’s how I like it! 🙂

I’m reading in Acts right now for college group about the first church and I am feeling the blessed community even now. Breaking bread, sharing, and living with grateful hearts was huge today – I had to much to give praise for! It was so neat to talk to each of them and hear/give updates. People are beautiful! I hate to think that I’m using that word too often, but God’s beauty is evident in His children!
The long story (short version) is: we started at 10 and went til 7. We really saw Chicago and I was blessed til my calves ached and toes hurt and I loved every single moment.

one last thing I have to add: I felt love from home like a giant wave!! On Thursday I got packages from my parents and grandparents – so happy! And my mom somehow found exactly the right hostess outfit – cute, funky, and classy all rolled into one! But – no there was more – a FOOT MASSAGER! I know – I’m about to go hook it up right now! And my grandparents are just as thoughtful – sugar free candies (my favorite – in moderation… that’s a whole other story!), wonderful coffee drink mixes, and some super khakis. I feel so blessed! Along with calls from loved ones, I don’t know how my days could have been sweeter.

Okay, I know I will have to go back and re-tell, but I can’t pass this story up. After a long day walking the Windy City with the Groves family (more later), I switched out my black flats for tennies and headed for some laptop/chai time.

In our wanderings today, I explained my perspective on homeless people, which is: I stop when I know I can really invest by asking “What is it that you really need right now?” and then I try to ignore what is convenient for me and focus on what is most beneficial for them. It’s funny how God calls us to act so quickly. On my way here, I came upon a homeless man and immediately felt the Lord saying: Child, I want to see your words and faith in action: feed Me. I asked him what he needed and he “just wanted something to eat, ma’am.” He didn’t seem picky, so I looked around for the closest fast food joint when I spotted another man who asked me directions to Johnny Rockets.

I pointed North and then said I was just about to go there myself. So, I found out this second man’s name was Andre and he was in town from the Bay area for a grant-writing conference. The more we talked the more we had in common – we shared a passion for coming alongside the ‘least of these.’ I was so full of joy to have met him! He works mainly with people coming out of the prison system and trying to reacclimate into society. He finally came around and said he was a pastor at a church out there – 80% of his congregation are from the prison system. WOW. what a bold, hard road! We waited for our food and kept sharing the heart the Lord has given us to serve the downtrodden… how encouraging that he would be in town, at that intersection, at that time when I met the other man. Who can say the Lord is not sovereign?

We walked back and I was so full. I gave the food to the other man – double cheeseburger and warm applie pie. I guessed that would be something different and filling – something my brother James would order. Andre and I talked about how church is the time to be renewed to go back out and live during the week. YES… I resonated! I see myself returning to the Spring only to have it overflow the whole week. I felt overflowing today! How blessed we are. I will pray for Andre and his church – Born Again Christian Church (I believe).

Well, for starters let’s just say that this happened to be the theme of my Thursday. Not in a ‘clear the area here comes a breakdown’ kind of way, but more in a ‘I’m new here and still don’t know very much about work, city, and cigars’ kind of way.

Details aren’t important, but I just learned about the refining process of having many eyes and perspectives examine one’s work before it gets to the place its going.

For the enjoyment of whoever reads this, I will expand on my experience with cigars:).

So it’s only my second night on my own as hostess. I’m starting to feel more comfortable in the powerful pilot seat at Sullivan’s, where my strong influence spans about 10 feet on all sides. I love chatting with customers and playing the part of the refined, well-to-do. It’s really kind of like make-believe when I was a kid. I put on dress-up clothes, polish my manners, stand up straight, and flash a most genuine smile.

Well, last night I was on the closing shift, so my co-pilot left me flying solo at about 8:30. No problem, I’m a clever girl, right? Well, it just so happens that my little station became the social hub (mostly due to the fact that I hold the keys to the cigar cabinet) and all of a sudden many different people were making many different demands.

Cool and collected, I did my best, which I thought turned out pretty well – smoothing over awkward situations that revealed my ignorance by joking or humoring our guests. This worked – until I found out from the girls upstairs that I had sold cigars to some gentlemen who also asked me to cut them… and I cut the wrong end. Yes, that’s right. There are two ends to a cigar, and it’s pretty obvious which end one would smoke out of, but apparently with my focus on smoothing-over my lack of cigarspeak, I completely cut off the wrong end. So, when they went to smoke they were dreadfully confused.
The funny part was that within minutes everyone in the restaurant knew. I am not really one to hide my blunders, so I would start to share and then they’d say, “Oh, you’re the one?”

Hmm. Oh well, I’m back at it again tonight, but hopefully I will get off early. I have a much delayed date with my Bible, Acts, journal, and that beautiful thing called slumber.

Okay, so the past few days have been interesting, to be sure. It’s not that I’ve lost my faith in people, but you can be sure that my welcoming Chicago smile is accompanied by a wary eye. I have to preface this by saying I have never felt unsafe or in danger here – Chicago is a great, safe city. But there are things about cities that are just quite a bit different than the wide open spaces of my childhood.

One of my biggest passions (and don’t be confused – it does get me into trouble sometimes, but it is not a major downfall) is people. I love people – their stories, history, and dreams. I like to come alongside a person and understand how they would feel loved, whether that’s remembering a name or making a point to cross paths routinely. It’s not a big surprise that people like to be appreciated, recognized, and valued. I love to see the light in their eyes when they are.

Well, this passion has brought me into some unique encounters… I just wish they were with women and not older men. When I say older I mean the magazine man at the end of the street who is probably 75… and the man I met under an awning in the rain who was probably in his late sixties. He was a nice sort – business man who was living large on Lakeshore Drive.
I am always very upfront with who (and whose) I am. This guy was a native Chicagoan, so we chatted about the city and I talked about how grateful I was that I had found a faith community. It’s absurd to me that these gentlemen wouldn’t pick up these OBVIOUS clues I lay down. But, Lakeshore man was asking for my number and a pizza/beer get together by the end of 3 minute conversation. WHAT? I just don’t get it. I mean he was nice, but without exchanging numbers I told him we’re sure to run into each other, being from the same neighborhood. The funny thing is – for all of you who say “Of course they talk to you – you’re a sweet, Midwestern blonde with a happy face on!” Well, to you I say that on this particular meeting I was wearing a blue poncho that covered every bit except my face, with my backpack protruding like a hunchback behind me.

I love a delightful conversation… I truly do. I would rather eat soap than pass up someone who wants to tell me about their life. It’s one of those thing that give me energy – after listening and making connections, I feel like my day has purpose. The next time I see George, Chris, or the nameless Italian lady on the bus on the way to work we’ll smile. We recognize each other and I’m instantly encouraged in those little connections. I’ve said this before about Poland, but I sincerely am starting to see Christ’s creative work in the lives of these strangers. In church this past Sunday I learned about the long conversation that the Lord has with His creation. I have no idea what the Lord is doing, how He is pulling or prodding, and how He may be softening a heart. Yet, regardless of where they are, God calls me to the same service: love. Conversation is a way to show and spread love, because people understand the interest and investment it is to let a stranger in.

Now, the slightly scary addition to this story is what happened this morning. I was getting on the subway a little later than usual, because I was going to a program trip instead of work. Everything was normal going through the turnstile and down the stairs. I scanned the crowd gathered to wait for trains and scoped out a spot and waited only a few moments for the train. As I stepped on, I felt pressure behind me (not uncommon when crowding on to the el), but I thought I felt someone inside my purse. I turned around just in time to see the edge of my wallet going under this large man’s coat. Ah! I can’t tell you what went through my mind but all that came out was, “Uh, excuse me?” in a really weak whisper. I’m not even sure that he heard me, but just as the subway doors were about to close, he gave it back. Yeah! First of all, with all my faith in people, I never expected this movie-scene to play out on this Monday morning. Second, I was so disoriented that my reaction wasn’t in the slightest how one would act when your identity is about to be stolen. Third, he gave it back. This is the part that is so confusing to me… he could have easily left and I would’ve done nothing more than stand stunned as the subway pulled away from my little life in the white wallet.

God had already softened that man’s heart before he even took my wallet. That’s the only thing I can figure – God had control over the situation and his unlikely response. Well, I have to process a lot more from everything I’m learning about the Old Testament, relationships, and life. I’ll have to pick up on that later.

Some pics from lovely chicago times

Sorry they are so small – they upload a zillion times faster this way.

working at the opportunity intern desk

yep… this is where it all happens. Okay, so the intern desk isn’t the hub of action around the office, but it’s where I get things done. You can be sure there is always a piece of fruit and a cup o’ joe to decorate the desk, but other than that it’s pretty sparse. I think I’m afraid if I get too comfortable I’ll be very disoriented when I realize that it’s not really “my” desk, but actually the “intern” desk and it’ll see many more faces. Oh well, I love what I do.

Here are just a few of the images that remind me of a friendship that struck so deep and true in such a very short time. I miss her tremendously and wish that it wasn’t so hard to communicate across languages and things like oceans.

As you can see, we bonded… God’s love is so strong that it can break anything we know – He can transcend what I accept as real and bless beyond imagination.
The rings are especially important, because Ania gave me this ring and bought one for herself to match. The instructions were to never take it off and it has been such a joy to look down and remember her sweet, smiling face! She is in my prayers and always in my heart… her dreams are higher than the sky and being with her made me want to soar.

OK, I thought I should devote at least one entry to some of the funnier things that have happened since my move to the Windy City. To be sure, there are more than I can write, but just to show the not-so-glamorous or professional (and sadly typical) Caroline moments, I thought a few were appropriate.

necklace strangle
Well, anyone who moves to an urban area will tell you that you are slightly more aware of fashion. Sure, I was always interested, but it’s harder to branch out into what some may call “your own style” when you feel a bit stifled by trends. I was never a trend-setter or a trend-follower, but moving to the city I think I got excited about being a little more creative.
With that said, I’ve been utilizing accessories. For 1, they can be worn a lot and with many different outfits, which makes the cost-per-wear so wonderfully low! And for 2, it’s a good way to test out your creative boundaries without walking the fashion plank in the first weeks of arrival. One of said accessories is a necklace with all sorts of colors that I picked up at H&M last Spring Break. (this is the good part)
I wore it out with a stellar outfit one Sunday night to enjoy the sweet sounds of Jazz playing from Grant Park. At the request of my friends, I was made to show my one and only hardly qualifying “break dance move” (which is just a creative way to put my feet up in the air). I wrapped my necklace around one more time to keep it out of my face and all was well…. Until I got home and wanted to take it off. I could NOT untangle the necklace and after struggling for a good 20 minutes, relented and slept with the darn thing on. .. THEN, the next morning I still could not remove it and decided if it wasn’t coming off it wasn’t keeping me in, so I dressed for the day and came back late morning, when I pleaded with my roomie to help me. She couldn’t get it… and I thought I would be stuck forever. Completely unsatisfied with my claustrophobia-inducing fate, I was determined to get it off. Now is when the light bulbs start flashing… I simply undid one of the connecting chains. Yep, that’s all she took.

(Wow. that was way too dramatic, I’ll have to tone it down!)
clothing malfunction
Continuing with the clothes theme, this story is quite a bit more embarassing, but I can venture to say it was part of God’s plan. So, maybe some know of my duress in finding employment when I arrived here weeks ago. This was not due to my lack of persistence, though. One day after I realized that Starbucks just really didn’t want me, I ventured out to pick up applications at Chipotle, Barnes and Noble, and Corner Bakery. I had showered and I was ready to impress from the start… who knew, maybe they would offer me the job on the spot. Anything is possible and I was in good spirits. So, I went to the first two places and thought their faces seemed a little blank, but so goes the life of the working, right? Nothing too odd, so I kept my spirits up and ventured to the last place, where I decided the job search needed a coffee. I asked for an application and ordered a plain, old coffee. I went over to sit down and felt a sudden urge to look down. Sure enough, my fly was wide open. You’ve got it folks, my zipper had never been at the top of my pants that day – of all days. But, that’s not all – no that would be too simple and lacking the horror I felt when, as I left, my hand went to my right ear. I felt for my earring, which should have been there, but found nothing. Hmm… Darn earrings, I thought I’d lost one and looked like a fool at this place. No, actually I felt the other ear and found that I had put both earrings in the same hole!! The very same! Oh, this was quite a day. I laughed and hoped that those people laughed, too. Because that was sure funny. .. Oh and the God’s will part came when I realized I wasn’t SUPPOSED to have any of those jobs. I was supposed to meet a friend named Jenna who would encourage me to apply at Sullivan’s where I got a JOB and love!

Because for some reason I decided to make these cute little novellas, I’ll stick to just one more:)
coffee with women and bathroom blackout
So, in order to tell this one I’ve got to give some bonus background. First – to God be the glory for how He works, reveals, and blesses. What a mighty, mighty God!! So, last Sunday I decided that I wanted to start serving at church. I know it was only my 3rd time there, but I can’t waste any time -I’ve only got 3 months! So, I went at about 8:30 and the service started at 9. My rationale was – I’ll just look around and hope that someone will need some help. Well, when I got there I froze. Everyone was running around, but they all had purpose. I escaped to the bathroom to regroup and give a mini pep-talk. Fresh from my little girls’ room prayer, I set out to find a place for my hands and heart. I quickly spotted a woman and man unloading some boxes at the book table. Books are always attractive to me, and these people looked like they could use some help. So, I walked up to the woman and said, “Hi. I’m new here – can I help you? I’m looking to serve in some way…” Her face lit up like I was about to give her a Chrstmas present. She went on to say oh how much that would be wonderful and they would love for me to help… Her name is Jenny and she is marvelous – reminds me of my grandma Phyllis. She figured out my story and started introducing me to everyone that walked by. .. in minutes I had about 20 new friends. I ended up sitting with some of her lady friends (they were all older women) and had a blessed, blessed time. After the service I sold my first book … John Piper’s Pleasures of God. THAT was a good feeling! Then the ladies asked me to join them for coffee at the little cafe down the street. Why NOT? I thought. So, I walked there to meet them – JoAnn, Kathy, and Ann (transit Annie they call her because she knows the system so well). I felt like I was back at club with my gram. So… now to the funny part. It was getting towards the end of my second cup of joe and I surely had to go to the bathroom. I found out where it was and had to wait a while for the right time. Then I had to wait for the person inside… so I finally get in and I have to go really bad. It’s tight quarters, but at least I was in… and then there was total darkness. Absolutely pitch black – the lights had gone out! I could not see anything at all and I was stuck. There was no way I was opening the door into the crowded restaurant so I could see. I didn’t know what to do, because the ladies were probably waiting now to leave and I was captive of this dark, small space! I don’t know how, but I somehow managed to get out alive, but man that has NEVER happened to me before!

OKay, enough stories for now!