Well, I caught myself today a few times – surprised at how things that grate on my nerves can result in bitterness, like the taste in your mouth when you wake up (ick).

My thoughts lately have literally been all over the place. A piece of my heart was in Iowa last night for Bethany Camp’s first fairwell potluck of the summer – where my bro is in charge. While they were celebrating a week of kids learning, growing and having great fun, I was applying for another (yes, another) waitressing job at a little place called ‘Til Midnight. I retreated to their Bakery/Deli after dropping off my application, immediately warming to the thought of hot coffee, open space, and my first date with my journal in a long time. This whole technologically controlled diary is a great idea, but there’s something about ‘penning’ my thoughts that’s more than justnm a romantic notion.

Last Sunday, I visited a new church called Harvest Christian Fellowship. I have been going to the same church for a couple years, but I haven’t felt like I’ve really spread roots (even though, oddly enough I am collecting the offering for the 10:30 service, where over 300 people attend). So, this E. Free church is in the next town over and refreshingly far enough from the monstrosities that are the churches I have found here. I have worked very hard to understand and enjoy that the body of Christ has a beautiful variety as far as churches go, but I also know that there is a place where each person fits. I filled out the guest info, met the pastor, and enjoyed the whole worship service, which was held in the area elementary school gym. I’m praying for God’s direction in this, because my heart is to grow in a local church and be able to share my gifts.

Maybe a random switch, but I’ve got to go with what I got:)…. The other day I was thinking about my funeral. Actually I think about my funeral quite often, the music, Scripture, and people. I mentioned this to the girls I work with on paint crew and they, too said they’d thought of this. I started to think: self, you aren’t nearly as odd as you pride yourself in being. Really, for all the crazy things I think of, deep or merely skimming the surface, there are so many others with the same ideas… and many more with better ideas, philosophies, and thoughts.

I don’t quite know where or how to continue. I have been blessed by memorizing some Scripture lately. One of my new favorites is 2 Corinthians 9:8, “God is able to make all grace abound, so that in all things and at all times, having everything you need, you will abound in every good work.”

I’ve tried to think and pray this short reminder that God’s grace sufficiently covers those annoyances, my bitterness, and my downer days. He is ALL of that AND He makes His grace available in ALL things and at ALL times so that nothing is lacking except my own will in doing good works. That is the only piece He hasn’t touched. And don’t we know that since our hearts are softened by His Spirit our good work are for and from Him?

I have felt the distance from my family lately. As well as my friends spread across the country in NY, IN, and IA. But I’m excited to see my mom, aunt Shirley, and grandparents soon.

Oh, one last tidbit… I have been studying up on Poland (and starting the countdown til August 2) and have found such interesting information. Most recently that the music of Chopin comes from the country. I can’t wait to see what else is in store 🙂 The phrases are coming along – my grandpa thinks I need to know things like “Where’s the bathroom” instead of “I love you,” which is the first phrase my friend taught me.
Tomorrow morning, my professor is having a garage sale and thought I could do a lemonade/bake sale to fund raise – so that’s where I’ll be until 11:30, where I discover the world of double shifts in the waitressing world. I’m already thinking of the sleep I’ll fall into after that’s all over.

P.S. the weather is absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful summer.

my newest thoughts on servanthood

Because we are called and made for relationships, we are not meant to serve alone. I think for many years, I have labored under the goal of independent accomplishment only to find that it produces frustration and dissension in the body of Christ. I can think of so many examples, but one comes to mind from a few years ago. I used to work at a dear camp outside a small town in Iowa. I loved the camp and the people and one particular night we had arranged a counselor reunion, where all the staff could get together and spend the night – bonfire, guitars, reminiscing, and everything campJ. I wanted everything to be perfect, so I remember shopping for peach packet ingredients (peaches, marshmallows, brown sugar). Well, instead of accepting help in preparing this camp specialty, I decided to make them all myself. I remember distinctly opening the cans as everyone else sat by the fire laughing and telling stories. I know I thought I was serving at the time, but I had refused at least two people in their offers to help. I really do enjoy making things for people, but sometimes my insistence on independence leads to resentment and pride (you know the kind, probably – a watered down martyr who accepts no help and then resents your fun). I’m really ashamed that I act this way, and that I over-analyze everything. I know that my attitude has just as much to do with my reflecting the Lord as my actual service. Man, I wish I could take back some of my arrogance and independence. This weekend Darwin (who led the retreat – SUCH an encouragement!), talked about independence being “just plain not helpful” in the mission field. There is no room for it and no need for it, he said. God has formed teams, communities, and the fellowship of believers for a purpose – to accomplish work for His kingdom and give Him great glory, not as a single unit where they could receive the praise, but as a body functioning in God’s will. Praise the Lord and amen for His grace when I force myself outside His will and I “serve” on my own. I think this summer is a perfect time to examine my heart.

Ruby Tuesday’s
I’m realizing the above more and more at Ruby’s. I am now not afraid to ask for help, but I struggle with over-working so that I can be most useful. I know this sounds like a good plan, but not if I am over-working on my own strength. I can refill the ice buckets, wipe down counters and tables, and help other servers. Sure, I can do all that, but if I am relying myself, I am missing God’s purpose for me there. Somehow, some way my co-workers need to see the light of the Lord reflected in my work, instead of my own stubborn work ethic. It is not me who gives the gift of helping, because that keeps attention focused on what I am doing. Instead, it is the gift of God’s Son that enables me to do anything good with pure intent.

I’m almost spent… one last thought and then some authors I want to read.

There’s a map on my wall next to my bed. It’s been there for about a week now and my fingers have traced the outlines of countries and continents across it’s ironically flat surface. I can’t help but wonder about the days when maps were still forming as men walked from city to city and chiseled out routes on the water. What must it have been like to add new territory and discover new regions? Instead of traveling with the purpose of trade or employment, most of our travels (from America, anyway) are trips of leisure to vacation spots, job-related, or favorite get-aways.

I guess that’s all – just my reflection on how things have changed. I’m struggling with my future right now, so everything comes out layered with questions. At the core I know what I am looking for is purpose. Not something spelled out in a book or accomplished with a degree. John Piper wrote a book called “Don’t Waste Your Life.” He used a quote from a picture in his office that said, “Only one life, ‘twill soon be past, only what’s done for Christ will last.” I suppose – no I know – that therein lies the answer. I believe it beneath all the layers, I do. I’m just wondering how He will use me.

last sidenote – I’ve been thinking randomly of some authors I’d like to read this summer:

Ralph Winter
Lisa Espinelli Chin
Let the Nations be Glad, John Piper
Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Frank Peretti
Blaise Pascal
and..possibly something on the Azusa Street Revival

So… I have a little time to write about my reflection on my great gram’s passing. They buried her remains on Saturday and I guess it was a beautiful service. When I got the message that she’d left us, I was just leaving work at Ruby’s and the tears came. When you have a great grandparent, it’s not as though you don’t know that their time will come soon, but when it happens the reality of our short lives hits hard.

I cannot think of a greater blessing, though, than being able to share a part of my life with such a dear woman. She had her moments, as we all do, but she was a fighter – even if she was fighting to be taken home to be with the Lord. One of the things my mom remembered at the funeral was her witty remarks like, “I just don’t get it. I keep asking the Lord to take me, but everyone around me is dying and I can’t even get a cold!” I can just see her now rejoicing, arranging some tune resembling “Lay that pistol down, Ma” with new words about the glory of the Lord! Oh how she will please the Father with her desire to be with Him!

The Lord’s ways are so much higher than our ways. I do praise Him for the short time I was able to spend with family. When I walked in to my grandparents I had the biggest smile on my face. I wondered at my misplaced sentiment, in being so joyful on a “sad” day. But, it was truly a blessing, from the car ride to being wrapped up in love-hugs from my grandparents, to spending time at the cabin with the whole fam, and even falling into our pond. Every bit of it was wonderful, needed, and blessed. Praise the Lord for life and his promise of life eternal!

This past weekend I heard an analogy I thought would be good to share:
What would you think if you were flying from New York to Amsterdam and the fellow sitting next to you started to put up framed pictures by the window? Then he started to put down carptet beneath your feet and sew a small curtain for to cover the view. Then he began unpacking decorations for your seats and added fragrance to the bathroom. If it were me, I would move before he got to the bathroom and say, “Sir, you know that this plane is landing in a couple hours.” You’d surely want to remind him that it’s not really worth it to go to all the trouble, because we’d be getting off soon.

Isn’t this life? Merely hours in the whole scheme of things? Instead of making it look too cozy, shouldn’t we be looking around for someone to talk to about the destination?

Well, my legs are stinging with the tomato-redness of Michigan summer. A couple hours today at the beach did me in, after my refusal to be sensible and wear sunscreen. I have a couple extremely noticeable lines above my knees, so it’s a good thing I’m covered up most of the time for my jobs! The air is warm and thick. I can step outside and seconds later feel beads of sweat forming on my face and neck… It is quite comical how I wish for the opposite in every season :). I do enjoy the sunlight, street activities, beach crowd, bursts of color in flowers and all the smells and sights that come with the summer season up here, though.

This past weekend was absolutely incredible. I went to Beloit, Wisconsin with virtually no expectations and sat for 12 hours of intense, structured, challenging, and beautiful training. I had my training for my upcoming Poland mission trip in August at a little church called Rock Valley Chapel. I left for the 4 hour trip a bit early, and by God’s grace was only a few minutes late after navigating hours of Chicago traffic and construction. I met the couple who direct the organization and immediately fell in love with their tender, passionate hearts for the Lord. Darwin was a dairy farmer and some of the stories he told took me back to my days on the farm (that makes me sound at least 30, doesn’t it?). He was a no non-sense teacher, but had the most refreshing and dry sense of humor. I met a couple from Illinois who are on my trip and we instantly connected. Val is a high school English teacher, who reminds me of my favorite teacher from high school (she even uses a purple pen!). Her husband, Phil, was a high school vocal music teacher until recently – which is right up my alley. We talked about the joys of show choir and the differences between our experiences.

I experienced a few wake up calls as Darwin taught about the challenges ahead of us. One of the things that pulled at me deepest was his caution about our reaction when we get back home. We started to talk about church foyers and how you’d be more likely to hear about Jimmy’s scholarship, pray for Aunt Emma’s kidneys, and check calendars for a social function than carry on a conversation about the risen Jesus. That caught me – struck me in a funny place I hadn’t examined in, well ever. How often do I speak the name of Jesus? Sure, I have my prayer times, devotions, deep theological conversations, but how often do I speak His name in normal conversation? Sharing the gospel, I realized, has become something separate – at least in my life. It doesn’t flow out like the quality of a Captain Sundae’s delight or my ability to carry four plates and balance ketchup with my pinky finger. Why is that? I won’t go too far, because I know this I more something I need to contemplate before I can think about asking someone else.

I read an article about a man who, actually, read an article about salons. You know, those meetings where people would just get together and engage in stimulating conversation just for the sake of community? Well, there was an ad where the man responded to be part of a salon. The eclectic group started meeting and this man, a Christian, began to respect the others in his group, and they returned the respect even though none shared his Christian beliefs.

The dreamer in me set sail after reading the man’s article. I was forming an ad in my mind and then writing an article I could submit to a local paper or magazine. It worked for 18^th century France – could the lost art of conversation be revived by giving salons a try? Well, we’ll see how far dreamer gets, but I do hope I can train my mind and conversations to be about meaningful things with all people.

Deed
Oh, I could write pages on this dear woman, whose friends call her Deed! She might actually read this, but I have to tell her story because it will bless you! She was my hostess for the weekend I stayed in Wisconsin. Without even really knowing why we were there, she volunteered to host two of us in her house, where she’s lived for 50 years. I smiled every time she spoke – her joy spilled over onto the table as we drank in her hospitality. She told stories – oh did she tell stories! About her children, grandchildren, volunteer work with hospice, children she mentors, missionaries she supports, friends, and the topic of last week’s luncheon. The laughter just bubbled out of me and smiles creased my face as we talked about living, loving, and our place in the world. There was so much wisdom inside this 78-year-old woman, who served with the zeal of three 20-year-olds. Boy, she sure did love chocolate. A self-proclaimed chocoholic, she said, “Well, they tell you to put it in the freezer, but that doesn’t work because I know it’s there!” I sure laughed! She also told us a story about how she found these Toll House ice cream cookies, covered in chocolate at Walgreen’s. Well, then her grandson came over and made a comment about them, so she decided she needed to get more. So, she called Walgreen’s, who said they were all out – discontinued. Well, that didn’t stop her – she called every place in town … twiceJ to track some of the yummy frozen calorie cookie, but found nothing. So, finally she called a town ½ hour away and ended up buying four boxes so her grandson could have some on Easter. What a joy! What a blessing to spend time with someone who God has blessed and she’s chosen to be a blessing to others.

So… I know no one was waiting on the edge of their seat for me to continue my blog, but it’s been quite awhile since my last entry after the Global Night Commute.

Since then I have:
-whittled my employment down to two, working on Paint Crew for Hope by day and Ruby Tuesday’s (an eatery comparable to Applebee’s) by night.
-moved in with my brother and sister-in-law in Holland
-experienced a dramatic turnover weekend which included my moving out, checking out residents, my friend’s beautiful wedding, and beginning work at Ruby’s
-tried to spend a lot of time alone reading, thinking, and philosophizing
-made attmempts at being domestic (my recent conquest was a pillow cover)
-bought a Polish phrasebook, map, and made several Polish connections to learn about history, culture, and people
-thought a LOT about my life next year – studying in Chicago in the fall and graduating in the spring
-mourned the mounting loan figures I check up on sporadically
-decided to give restaurant servers my utmost respect and pity, after messing up (I like to call it rearranging) some orders and begging the cooks in back to pity me and my failed attempts at being restaurant savvy
-almost conquered the art of ‘looking like I know exactly what a customer wants, even if I have no idea,” which is sometimes good and sometimes bad (see previous)
-become fast friends with my paint crew
-taken a new outlook on work in general, thanks to John Piper and “Don’t Waste Your Life”
-made a lengthy, but somewhat flexible reading list and summer to-dos
-made a quick trip with Samuel and Bethany back home for my great grandma’s funeral ..much more later. it was a great experience – praise the Lord for His timing and blessings of family.

…Of course, much more has transpired, but I thought I would hit some highlights. There are many stories wrapped up within each, but I’m about to get kicked out of the library, so I’ll have to wrap this up.

If you read this before tomorrow, it would be wonderful to know you could pray for me. I am going to training weekend for my mission trip to Poland. It’s in Beloit, WI and I’ll be able to meet people from my trip and learn more about what we’ll be doing.

I’m excited to start keeping up with this and hopefully will do a better job.
Grace and peace

So… my back only slightly hurt yesterday morning at 6:30 when we were officially awakened and encouraged to get moving. Saturday night was the Global Night Commute, a little thing that over 54,000 people participated in here in the United States to raise awareness to the situation in Uganda. Yep, I’ve talked about it before. Well, anyway, it was amazing. Situated right in downtown GR, over 1,000 people gathered at Rosa Parks to write letters, make art projects, and sleep. Right there on the hilly grass around the small cement ampi-theatre. I met new people, spent time with old friends, sang worship songs, danced, laughed, and thought about this sweet cause.

There were a lot of car honks, screams, and sometimes a kick from an annhebriated downtown partier, but it was a great event. There is something about gathering with other people under the same cause of justice that builds such a community. It was interesting for sure, but I loved every bit of it. It didn’t really rain, it more sprinkled all night. I was thankful for my sleeping bag, liner, and umbrella, all donated by friends to the cause.

I do have to say that starting out a letter to the President of the United States is an awkward task. I guess I wondered why I’d never done it before. I mean, for all the things I’ve believed in, argued about, and questioned, I guess it just never occurred to me that I’d have any effect. Well, anyway, I decided to start out “Dear Mr. President,” because I thought that was formal enough. Yet, I wroted in a familiar tone, as I would a friend. I also wrote to Debbie Stabenow, a representative from Michigan. I figured she would never know that I was actually from Iowa :).

I talked to my sister, who was at the Commute in NYC, which is much scarier than Grand Rapids. I definitely give her props for even going, and she stuck it out until she realized she would have to stand all night. I don’t know if I would have made it that long.

Well, it’s Monday now and I just sent my support letter. With prayers and blessings, I just sighed as I sent them. This week is exams, so I’ll be busy mostly with projects and papers. I do have an exam later on tonight, but I don’t think it will be that bad. I’m looking forward to my friend’s wedding this Saturday and my move to Samuel and Bethany’s house on Saturday/Sunday.

I will work at Ruby Tuesday’s on Sunday, then start on paint crew Monday morning at 6:50. Welcome Summer!
More updates to come!

so…I realized today that I officially have 6 jobs.
1. Resident Assistant
2. Hope College Career Services
3. Library – TechLab
4. Babysit
5. Ruby Tuesday’s
6. Paint crew

Yikes! I know it’s just like this because of the change over to summer and I just happen to be employed at all of them for a couple weeks, but whew that’s quite a list! I just thought of another list that I should jot down because it makes me smile:
blessings
package from my mom with wonderful things like a book, pictures, pen, and 10 bucks
this new computer i’m typing on right now i think fell straight from heaven – by way of Samuel’s good friend Mike
my friends – we celebrated Ann’s 22nd birthday and once again had time to treasure friends and smiles
family!! not only is my mom great, but my brother and sister-in-law have opened their home to me this summer.
There are so many things I could add to this list!
shout OUT to my sister in NYC who is on my mind so much – and it’s always great.

Hmm.. I became quite reflective today, as I was writing my support letter for Poland. I realized as I wrote Romans 10:14-15 how much it was part of my past. I remember one summer working at Bethany Camp during missionary time, Treva talked about how the feet of those who bring the Good News were beautiful. At the time, I silently hoped that my feet would be beautiful someday, almost dismissing it out of fear and unbelief. But, oh did God ever plant the seed. I think it was also there that I raised my hand with a few campers as ones who could feel God’s calling on them to missions. Praise the Lord for the work that people like Bill and Treva are doing. They would persevere through brick walls if they felt the Lord’s leading. I have many times hoped in my deepest heart for a future much like theirs, knowing that is such a difficult thing to hope for.

But, yes, I wrote the first draft of my support letter today. These are funny things, well maybe just slightly awkward. I was reading the materials that International Messengers sent me and an article entitled, “Are Missionaries Beggars?” caught my eye. The author used both Old and New Testament to show that giving to missionaries is biblical… remember when Jesus comissioned the 70 without purse, script, or shoe? It’s all right there in Scripture. Paul writes about it beautifully when he praises the Philippian church for their support.

YET, this still feels awkward. I won’t lie, it’s hard to send the letters. Several of my friends feel the same way. It might be our society or just our unbelief that God really will work through his people. A big part of me wants to say, I’ll just work really hard this summer and save. It seems like on every end there’s a downfall. If I saved all the money myself, I know I would somehow twist it to think that I was sending myself instead of God. And if I go from support then I may not value the experience as much as if I’d worked for it. It doesn’t help matters any that my culture teaches me that I have to earn my keep. Those who are going anywhere in the world have to forge the way for themselves, instead of taking hand-outs.

With all these mixed messages, what will cut through the clutter? I’ve been learning about the clutter of advertising… you know the ultimate picture is Times Square where you become on sensory overload before you can take in everything demanding your attention. Well, with all those ads, commercials, and shiny things, what really speaks?

Hmm.. I’m unsure of what to write here. I mean, I know what I should write – that God’s Word is alive and active in me, sharper than a two-edged sword and our only offensive weapon against the enemies of this world. Yes, I do believe it! Yet, my spirit is literally rocked each day when I come to actual intersections where my faith is tested. I do believe it, but I would never say I understand it or have attained it.

I guess I just want to say that I try to understand God’s perfect, sovereign plan, but I can’t say that I completely follow it. I am struggling, but pushing forward to reach the goal, which is in Christ Jesus.

Whoa. My apologies for this being somewhat abstract and deep. Maybe I’m just adding to the clutter. Regardless, may God be praised. May HIS name be raised on earth today as it is in heaven around His throne!

Grace and Peace.

I was a little sad yesterday. Blame it on emotions or that I’m a female, I don’t know. As we sang “In Christ alone,”I just cried.
I think I’ll just post the lyrics because they are an amazing reminder of the love of Jesus.

And then when my family was about to leave I fought back tears again. I love them so much. William and James are such wonderful brothers. I guess I’m realizing how much I treasure their friendship. I hugged them tighter this time, because there’s something about their embrace that reminds me that their friendship is unbreakable.

Wow..that was mushy:). Well, anyway…I’m working on projects and finals right now. The end is in sight, but my day planner is packed for the next three weeks. I haven’t even started to think about this summer, which is looming over my head.

I am excited that my grandparents are coming up here on April 12. My list of things to do is growing and a smile appears whenever I get a chance to think of it.

Praise God for family.

So…I guess it’s about time I explain why I have a foreign heart. I have been realizing some things that make me so thankful that this land is not my home. I believe that, being created in the image of God, my deepest part always longs for Him and my true home in heaven.

Oh boy am I glad I long for heaven and not here, although I admit sometimes I am distracted by the fake shine of the things on earth. But, I want to share with you a story of God’s glory and work right now… it has to do with Invisible Children. I know – the reaction I got from some people is that children aren’t invisible…But just hold on!

So, there’s a civil war in Uganda. Northern Uganda is especially suffering from a certain deception that started with a woman named Alice. Alice was possessed by a spirit named Lakwena and was convinced she was called to overthrow the Ugandan government. Her connection with the spirit world gained many followers and a man named Joseph Kony claimed to be her cousin. For the last 17 years he has been plotting this overthrow, but as the Ugandan people grow tired of war, he has started to expand his army by abducting children. Villages and schools are ambushed to kidnap recruits, who are taken to the bush (deserted land) and forced into desensitization. They watch weak and uncompliant children die horrendous death by knife or guns…and the children are forced to make these kills. Their lives are full of blood, one child even said that he gets a headache if he doesn’t see blood.
The army targets 5-12 year olds because they are moldable, big enough to hold a gun, but small enough that they will obey. These children have no choice…To escape abduction, children from the villages will travel miles every night to sleep in a town where they can lay safe under a hospital or veranda. These night commuters sleep packed like goods, with no space in between. They wake up early in the morning to make the trek back to their village. Many children make this journey alone.

This is a TRUE STORY! IT is documented in a movie called “Invisible Children.” Please check out more at www.invisiblechildren.com – you will see that this is happening in Uganda and is going unnoticed in the world! In a period of three months, 640 died and 2,000 were abducted. Children are being senselessly slaughtered by their peers, who are learning a harsh way of life..

My foreign heart longs for heaven where there will be shalom, but I know also in my heart that God’s heart is for the poor, oppressed, orphans and widows. These are the people of his heart and if I am a true follower I will know that when God’s heart hurts, so too should mine. Please check out the website, write senators, and take part in the global night commute on April 29.

We recently held screenings for the movie at my college and had almost 700 people show up. Praise the Lord and we expect more.. because if anyone should be responding to the call of the oppressed it is GOd’s children.