“She can sure tell a short story!”
“She didn’t ask me to do a single thing at that party!”
“I love how nonlinear her thinking is!”
“My, she is indestructibly composed!”
I just read that last description in a novel and couldn’t stifle the laugh. Composed is not who I am and not really who I have ever been. If you walk into a party at my house, there is a good chance I’ll need your help cleaning or cutting the chicken or telling my children that playing hockey with tree sticks is probably not a good idea (you would end that like a question because of course you wouldn’t let them play stick hockey in the house with a rock for a puck while they rollerblade, but I have, indeed, done just that). All the other quotes above are just things I imagine no one has said of me, ever.
I was once so fully committed to the haphazard confetti of my personality that I dressed as a Christmas tree for a costume party and plugged myself into the wall for the whole thing. I’m a lot of years removed from that party in Tegucigalpa, Honduras, but I remember the absolute joy radiating from my face (or was that the Christmas lights around my neck?) like some people remember winning a championship. I didn’t win anything that night (not even best dressed), but I just loved being in my skin.
Now, in the year 2024, I have somehow time-traveled to my sixth grade year but with the saggy skin of a mid-lifer. I am unsure who to talk to, what to say, and how to share the little gems of myself at a reasonable rate while also making sure to stay reasonably curious about the needs and treasures of the folks around me. That last part is the 30 years since sixth grade, but it all seems to be overlapping in strange and vulnerable ways. What is it about our characters and our personalities that is meant to be sanctified and what is just who we are?
How do we come to have our preferences and habits and rhythms and weekend plans? Is it a series of events that have us arriving at an enneagram number and a different set of variables that defines our Meyers-Briggs? Or is it all the same information just organized differently? How much of who I am right now is the same as my six grade self (who wrote journal entries about the first day she wore shorts to school and the seating placement in history class and the rabbit skin that showed up in my locker as a gift from the locker next door). What of who we are is who we are meant to be?
I’m very much not sure about that. As much as I have lived and seen in the three decades since sixth grade, it seems that I (metaphorically) have spent the whole journey walking around the same tree. Every once in a while, I’ll turn and notice something in the bark and with the passion of a EUREKA! epiphany will declare the new knowledge to myself and others only to discover a journal entry or a blog post from 13 years ago that boldly declares the same truth. Things I learned in those early years of discovering God to be personal and holy and good are lessons I am waking up to these days like I’ve never heard the news before.
Can I be sanctified into indestructibly composed? I would settle for uncompromisingly gentle or abundantly kind. But, it’s just hard to know what is possible, you know?
What I do know is that the God who made me is full of grace and truth and is incredibly patient. I do know the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I do know that those who abide in the vine will produce fruit. The Father gives us every opportunity through the Spirit to discover Him and, in discovering Him, our truest selves will come into view. Where I want to measure myself against others or my own ideas, God applies a measurement of the heart that might make little sense to the world. Whatever that truest self needs to shed and whatever it needs to grow by sanctification, I know the plumb line is sure, steady and stable.
I might ditch the novel. The theology of the 60s and 70s in England (as it’s portrayed in this book) really perverted the incredible early work of Augustine and Ambrose. I’m not sure I can keep everything in its tidy place anymore. The day is what late summer dreams are made of, so we will read outside and go on a neighborhood walk and eventually land at the library and Zella’s first band practice. And I will show up to all those places as my unfinished self, no matter how many eurekas I’ve had today.
Now, the task of embracing what is unfinished with humility and not shame, because God is glorified in my growing.
