my desk is a brick wall

Hair wadded on the top of my head means business. It means there is no messing around with swoopy stragglers, determined to blur my vision. It means my just-clean, still wet hair is tightly bound with a wonderful elastic band higher than most cheerleaders dare to perk their tresses.

And this is me tonight, after a most random day. You’ve heard the cliché “writer’s block,” where the words stop forming at the tip of your tongue and the typewriter has been silent too long to be a hesitation or a dramatic pause or an intentional ‘brain break.’

I’m not talking about writing (unfortunately, I have no reason to make a legitimate “writer’s block” plea). I’m talking about work.

For the past week I’ve been waiting.
waiting for a telephone call about school closures
waiting for a demonstration to finish
waiting for stoplights that only blink yellow
waiting for the curfew to be lifted
waiting for internet to load news about my city
waiting in lines at the crammed grocery store
waiting for things to bake

The waiting was not peaceful. Rather, I should say finding peace amidst the wait has been a fight. I tried on lots of different responses to see if they would fit the (very) many moments:
Some moments I was antsy (truly fidgeting) and anxious.
Other moments I could appear resigned and even indifferent – kind of a, “whatever will be, will be” attitude.
Sometimes I would stretch my little creative fingers and try to make paintbrushes express the palette pushing at my brain.
A good amount of moments I’ve spent reading – classics and philosophy and studies.
Moments slipped away in regret for moments wasted.
Moments were thrown at wishes for moments to come.

So many moments and all that flustered, not-peaceful waiting were wound very tightly around a hope that someday we would return to school and find a routine hidden underneath the newness of a third “first day of school.”

That day was today. The routine? Still looking.
I went from chapel to office to office to chapel to my desk… and quickly left to find others to meet with and de-brief with and compare notes with.

My mind is such a stubborn creature. I couldn’t make it bend to the appropriate response to the moments of this day, which was of course, “Be productive!”

No matter how many times I tried to shove my thoughts into an unseemly straight pattern, I found myself sitting at my desk (the smallest amount of moments) busting the seems of the pattern because nothing was fitting. My desk is a brick wall.

All this was satisfactorily frustrating (I would be concerned if this behavior wasn’t curious) and I came home tired (which I thought was completely unmerited). I won’t bore you with the play-by-play, but I want to share a few moments where God seemed to open the sky and say “here is the beauty.”

I was able to chat with my mom (trust me, I never though ‘chat with my mom’ would ever sound normal) tonight and she reminded me, in her wonderful motherly way,

“BUT God is still on His throne and He is God all by Himself. Give some thought to throwing out your ideas and plans and joining Him in where He is working right now.”

And I say, “Okay, mom. I will try that.”

Listening to: Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors
Drinking: Green Tea with coconut, ginger, and vanilla

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