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Sometimes, we journey to the dark so we can be moved by the Light. We trace the furthest boundary lines behind our eyes. We get deep next to demons, weighed down from evil within and without. And when warmth first touches cheek or shoulder or the back of our knees, the weight may not lift but there is relief. . . . And it is the same magic— to feel Light's warmth after a cold night or a long stretch of summer, it is the same glory— to be reading the lectionary in a Home Depot parking lot with sleeping car seats or having a morning cup of coffee on the front stoop with my co-laborers. . . . Somehow, God has anchored the pale blue ombre sky above me like an endless umbrella. He covers and cloaks with Light and sometimes I have to go deep in dark to feel it's warmth. . . . Morning Call:  Lamentations 1:12 Is it nothing to you, all you who pass by? Look and see if  there is any sorrow like my sorrow which was brought upon  me, whom the Lord hath afflicted. . . . Opening Prayer:  Loving Father, as we journey with your Son in this week of remembrance and hope, help us to experience and receive you and your love for the world more clearly. Transform us by the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. In the name of your Son, our Lord, we pray. Amen. #holyweek #notredame #outofthedarkness #intothelight
Naked morning comfort and I'm just basking in the humble light of it. They wear all their affections like clothes and this one makes me melt because they aren't so attached to their wholeness. They are ready to be broken to make peace with one another -- more ready than me, so I take notes. . . . The making of our Peace broke Him, completely. His humble persistence was full of glory because He was God, not because it looked good. Making peace means breaking pride, breaking selfish gain, breaking the sin inside that so easily entangles us, and breaking the power of the sin outside that so deceives us. . . . #newblog #momswhowrite #writersofinstagram #motherhood #siblings #siblingsasfriends #braveryofsmalllife #Godseconomy #kitchen #atlanta #family #teamkolts #teampixel #teampixelnofilter #nofilter #morningglow #morning #liveauthentic #kids #georgia #southernsummer
"Look, Mom! Edelweisses!!!!" And she passed the peace to me with flower weed stems and smooshed petals. The brisk tickle of Spring wind swept my elbows as I reached out to receive. . . . And it got made again, Peace. Established with delicate weed offerings and vulnerable outstretched hands, peace mended for a moment the breaks of the morning. The Great Deceiver's attempts to put us at odds— to wound one other with war words thrown in defense and pride— got smooshed underfoot in the backyard. . . . And I thought of Jesus making literal Peace, because the world doesn't allow it to come and be kept. Peace must be forged with active rebellion against the forces within and without that would rather war. We are a peace breaking people made in the image of One who carries Peace in his character, One who made Peace for us forever with God so that we can make peace today exactly where we are. . . . "For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility." Ephesians 2:14 . . . And the little child shall lead us.
I studied Job's friends pretending comfort, while withholding kindness and refusing to revive a weary spirit. I taught about the people in Jerusalem spreading their coats out like a royal carpet for the King of glory to ride in on a borrowed mule. I learned about the invisible God we try to force fit our image but our invisible spirit is made in His. I chased my littles in circles in the newly cut backyard and followed Foster's gaze to find birds high on budding branches. I heard Zella yell to our neighbor two houses down to move her apple trees far away because our juniper tree has a bad disease that could infect it. I wrestled through pride and failure and defending ideas. I made a very late afternoon cup of coffee and cooked with my baby strapped on my back. I snuggled my girl and gave her choices while praying she would choose right. On the first day of Spring. . . . We rode to Bible study, the kids and me, in an Uber because I ran the battery down on the van. I caught the sun glory streaming in to hit all our faces in the backseat as Zella chatted with the driver about music, imaginary children, and her preference to not wear socks and shoes. Our Wednesdays have so much Bible in them — sometimes nothing connects and I arrive at the end with mush brain and then sleep in my day clothes. But yesterday, I fell into bed so thankful that there are constellations in all these bits of Light. He is holding all things together and sometimes He connects dots and reveals a special glimpse of the glory of it all. #writersofinstagram #momswhowrite
My brows converge over my nose and my face squints against the dark. I pray, "O, God. O, God." I lay flat on my bed between two littles and take a deep breath that reaches my shoulders and sides and ankles "O, God." . . . It feels like Spring shouldn't come, that it is so *wrong* here that Lent should last forever. That, though our hope for Spring is strong, it is mostly about escape and not about salvation. We have made ourselves at home in winter, comfortable with the frosted ground under our hibernation. Our evil isn't seasonal. It isn't an epoch, a phase, a time period. It is in us— bones, marrow and evil. And we don't even want out. A Stockholm syndrome sickness that's eating us up from the inside but we refuse rescue. . . . The mercy of the Lord comes anyway, budding trees and blooms for the just and unjust. He woos us— relentlessly— out of our captivity with kindness. He calls us to repent of our soul's winter so we can finally see and taste His Spring. He calls us out of shadow and into marvelous light where our winter is exposed and we can squint to see our salvation. And we can know even a little bit more the extent of His glory and the depth of His grace. . . . Spring is coming and we are Easter people, but today there is lament. #light #shadow
Why is it that when we talk about the beginning of the United States it's always "when we founded this great nation" but when we talk about slavery it skips to the Civil War and it's always, "they were fighting to keep slavery in the south." The same humans who founded this nation bought humans and made them slaves in it. And today, for that, I mourn. . . . Every human made in the image of God is the same amount of invaluable. The same amount of mysterious wonder is knit up in our bones, from those first moments curled up in the womb. Lord, have mercy on us for acting like it is not so. . . . . . #americanlent #lentenrose #whiteprivilege #slavery #lent #lament #foundingfathers #letstalkaboutit #repentanceproject #didyouknow #spring #teamkolts #liturgy #reflection #monday #teampixel #atlanta #blackandwhite #slavetrade

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it’s a [good] conspiracy

Well, right as I was walking out the door this morning to the field, I got a call. To be honest, I couldn’t quite understand it all, but I did get, “We’ve gotta work on the … and we won’t be up ‘n runnin’ right ‘way this mornin’ … I don’t know how long it’ll be … but I’ll give ya a call.”

I’m kinda bummed. I had my lunch ready and my coffee almost in the travel mug. I’m more bummed because this is a perfect morning for harvesting. Clear skies, sunshine and a chance to break out some serious layers to shield off the winter-ish breeze. I guess I’m even more bummed thinking about Eeyore trying to figure out and fix the problem in time to tackle the rest of that 90 acres like we planned.

On the flip side, I’ve got a little time to write. I’ve been farming by day and nannying by night, so I’m nearly worn out when I finally settle in. Yesterday was particularly stressful because Eeyore came over the radio, “Hey, Caroline? Why don’tcha follow me ’round …I’m gonna outline this field and I’ll dump ‘long the other side there … This’ll be a real test of your driving skills … I don’t want you hitting corn, but I don’t want you fallin’ in the river either.”

On the radio I said, “Tests make me nervous!”

In my mind I said, “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT “TEST”? This whole thing has been a test and I’m not just talking about my emotional well-being after returning from a developing country to be rejected by countless jobs and still uncertain of my place in the world. I’m also talking about driving a tractor at all. Now you’re telling me I’ve got to squeeze into a six row path with certain death on one side and certain employment death on the other?

Of course, I went. And he wasn’t kidding. I felt certain some of the corn was unfairly leaning out in my path and the steep ravine was unfairly jagged and unpredictable. With nothing short of near-hernia, I made it and felt pretty accomplished.

This whole thing (being somewhat professionally stuck) could be a big conspiracy to keep me humble and I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t fighting it. Speaking of conspiracies… when I’m not following Eeyore around in the tractor or cracking jokes with Partner, I’m either reading or writing or doodling or all three.

I’ve already started writing/doodling my Advent Conspiracy list! If you don’t know what Advent Conspiracy is, check out the video below. The idea is that Christmas ≠ consumerism, so our preparations should reflect that. If we give gifts of presence (time together), then what we treasure is each other and not just something in a box! I also try to make most of my gifts (which can get tricky for the boys in my family) and this year I have a new source – Pinterest. There are so many clever and crafty ideas – from baked goods to stuffed animals from old gloves! Anyway, apart from enjoying people more and tapping some of the creative genius we all try to ignore, we also save money by giving this way. The Advent Conspiracy suggests there are some really amazing things we can do with it!

[AC] Promo 2011 from Advent Conspiracy on Vimeo.

So, maybe it’s a good conspiracy that I’m farming… and even that I’m able to take moments like right now to process … and apply for yet another job.

let LOVE fly like cRaZy

4 comments on “it’s a [good] conspiracy

  1. Slow Sand says:

    Love the whole post, but esp. the Eeyore comment. 🙂

    1. Caroline says:

      I’m glad you enjoyed it! Haha. Never thought I’d be driving a tractor, but it has sure been interesting!

  2. Hm. Good to know I could potentially be looking forward to something similar when/if i get back to the states in a little while… 🙂

    1. Caroline says:

      Oh! Yes! And if you ever EVER need to get coffee/debrief… I’m your girl! How are you, by the way??

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