The rain pounding my windshield drowned out all other sound.

Like an obstinate child throwing pebbles on a playground, the drops fell angry and unforgiving. The sky yelled in bright yellow and the thunder grumbled in the dark night.

And this accompaniment seems to fit the mess of things in my heart tonight.

I just left the first day of training to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate and I have not located the warm, fuzzy feelings normally associated with volunteering… and I don’t know if I ever will in this position. I arrived weary – stumbling into the little meeting room across from the hotel lobby, but my heart started running from the moment the training began.

Before we even got into any material, we went around the room to share our personal history and family background. Out of the 19 present, I was one of four who shared about a stable, loving, 2-parent childhood. Before we’d even opened the “real” material, I was looking around the room at stories of alcohol/drug abuse, divorce, custody battles, and various other tragedies.

Heavy.

With every powerpoint slide, I seemed to sink deeper into that uncomfortable hotel chair. I fidgeted and squirmed and re-positioned my tired, little legs, but I wasn’t rushing to get out of there. I just didn’t know where to fit all the information I was taking in. Really? The court decides when a home is “fit” to live in and when parents are the ideal “custodians?”
Yes, “custodians” does refer to people caring for children and yes, I was alarmed that we use the same language for trash removal.

There are just too many things… too many problems that yell bright yellow in the night sky as we drive home in our safe, metal boxes every night to our safe, cozy homes. The problems pound like pebbles thrown at my windshield and right now I’m inclined to face them and feel the sting.

Maybe, if I close my eyes, I’ll know how I can stand without being washed away.
Maybe, if I lean in, I’ll hear how I might step into the brokenness.

Maybe, if I sigh deep, I’ll believe that there is a message of Hope louder than the thunder’s rumble and stronger than the rain’s force.

let LOVE fly like cRaZy