broad strokes of the painting I am living inside

I am starting to think the 60 and 70 degree temps are not exceptions, finally. It is spring… or maybe it is summer. The changes in this season are all melting together and I guess I needed some time to process all the changes, apart from public reflection. Let me give you some updates, to paint some broad strokes of the painting I am living inside.

>We have a rosemary plant hanging in our living room now. The pleasure we get from throwing fresh rosemary into recipes is perfectly silly.

>I like to sleep when I’m overwhelmed. I remember feeling like this sometimes in Honduras – after leaving work at 3 pm, I would crash on my bed and not wake up until morning. It sounds strange because I spend so much of my time chasing activity. But sometimes, like I told Tam recently, “Sometimes, I want to go to sleep because I don’t want to be awake anymore.” I think my body makes a bold ask for a recharge. I have been indulging lately. But, more sleep does not addressed envelopes make, so I will have to do some finagling this week.

>The park is green and crowded with activity! Runners and bikers and farmers markets and frisbee and pee wee baseball games – spring activity exploded in Prospect Park and it looks like a permanent smile on my face as I ride my bike Betty through it all. I went on an errand run yesterday with a very roundabout route, but the day was so glorious it didn’t matter that I took the long way.

>Yep, I am still engaged and still swirling in the post-proposal, full planning mode whirlwind. I’ve learned some things, already. First, I learned that NOT dreaming about specific wedding details for the past 20 years means this wedding has the potential to be as good as my Grandmother’s spontaneous recipes in the kitchen (with whatever is in the cupboard). I’ve also decided to actually take the advice everyone is giving me (in view of their wedding day), “At the end of the day, you will be married and that is what is most important.” True. So, I’m willing to let go of everything else (traditions, pinterest, etc). As long as those vows happen at some point in front of God and witnesses, we will be glad to host a party for all of our favorite people to celebrate the meaning of marriage.

>Lucky is not the right word and blessed is too cliche. I will tell you a story instead about the man I am going to marry. I was biking all over Brooklyn last week because I had convinced myself that I needed envelopes… instantly. It was pretty much the only detail I could move forward on and I wanted desperately to feel like I was productively moving forward with wedding planning. I looked for something practical and creative… but by the third store, I ended up with the plainest white envelopes you could find (something you might get your water bill in). I let go of all my expectations of what it would feel like to invite people to this celebration, because I knew it didn’t really matter anyway. Then, the next day I talked to Patrick on facetime (he’s working in Spain) and he reminded me that we don’t have the guest list done, the invitations are not printed, and there is no reason to give up all my hopes for an envelope that invites our guests in a creative way. He won’t let me be irrational and I love him for it. I ordered envelopes today and we both like them. They cost way more than plain, white bulk envelopes and that is okay. Hopefully, I will have invites to stuff into them soon, but I read somewhere that etiquette is 6 weeks before so I’m still in the clear (and so concerned about etiquette).

>I started a journal, with pen and paper. My friend Barb sent it to me in the mail and it could not have come at a better time. I don’t need more electronics or reminders or advice or schedules or dates or plans. I need more Jesus. I need to sit and get quiet, to enjoy late Sunday night moments and early mornings. I need to breathe deeply and remember that no phase in life is about getting through to something else. Every phase in life is brimming with abundance because God said so. There are plenty of joy thieves out there, but they don’t stand a chance against God’s promises. Not a chance.

>This is still Easter. And I am going to practice the resurrection with the green buds on trees and the magnolia blooms. I am going to practice the resurrection because something so transformational is worth repeating.

6 thoughts on “broad strokes of the painting I am living inside

  1. Caroline Dear – in today’s blog you said ‘lucky’ is not the right word…but I think ‘lucky’ is just the right word. You see, for those of us who know the LORD, there is another meaning for the word “LUCK’, It means: the Lord’s Unceasing Care and Kindness. And LUCKY means: the Lord’s Unceasing Care and Kindness-Yes!!! So, use the term frequently and tell everyone what it stands for: the Lord’s Unceasing Care and Kindness-Yes! May you have a day full of LUCK.

    1. Mary, thank you for your lovely words and for your poignant reminder that God is sovereign over all, every square inch of reality. Your definition of luck seems to be especially perfect in this time. Be blessed, friend!

  2. I love the idea of a journal – pen and paper kind. I used to journal all the time before I got sucked into facebook/wordpress/twitter land… I think I will start again and have some Jesus time as well!

    1. Yes! Take up the journal with an ink pen! It is the perfect bit of therapy, I promise. Pen, paper, Jesus time. Let me know how it goes. 🙂

  3. Just now reading this post, but FYI, our daughter had a lovely wedding and made it happen in five weeks. She learned to let go of expectations, pinterest, and as you said, traditions. Wedding gown…yes, but not dozens of flowers at the altar for a 20 min ceremony. Delicious food at reception, but not souvenirs for the guests. Rather than hundreds of guests, we chose people who were special in our life. At the end of the day, she felt like she’d been in a fairy tale instead of exhausted from orchestrating a huge event. And the guests loved the intimacy/simplicity of the wedding. Less is more!

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