Today I feel like my dramatically lowercased “dear diary” entry yesterday is so silly and shoddy. Why do I try so hard to make those last lines of my contribution to cyberspace echo with meaning? Why can’t I just write something honest and not care if it makes sense and has a ‘moral of the story’ to go along with it?

Well, I’ll give it to you straight.
The moral of that particular story (and maybe at the root of my frustration) with this trendy book I’m reading about God and faith is really two things: 1. This woman wrote a book that’s honest and fresh and published and I didn’t and 2. In my cynicism (and simultaneous reading of Heaven by Randy Alcorn), I very much disagree with what seems to be her conclusion about celebration and joy

I hold nothing against the author (as well I shouldn’t, having just confessed sincere jealousy of her success), because I really do love the way she has knit her straight-from-the-soul words together in such an accessible way. I guess I just might be frustrated with the mortality of words written to celebrate life here on this little earth… if they are not paired with the promise of what every good, beautiful thing in this world represents.

I turn a few pages back in my journal and read my notes from the Heaven study I’m doing (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED). The study guide asks me to read Mark 8:34-38 and think about what questions Jesus is asking. He asks very plainly (don’t you love when studies basically lead you to the answer like a horse to water) “what does it profit to gain the whole world and forfeit your soul?” “What can a man give in return for his soul?”
I wrote: You can insert anything in the first question for “the whole world” – like health, prosperity, peace, two parents, the most elegant dinner party, a house full of children, career success, even clean drinking water – and we end up with the same problem: a forfeited soul without Christ.

I believe this, I really do. I believe that no matter how happy we make ourselves or how well we revel in delight in the good things God has allowed us, there is no amount of any of these that would replace the loss of a soul.

So. If I were to write a book about celebration, there would be tales of doubled over laughter and glorious rescues. But, and I don’t know how, I would have this responsibility to share that these moments of delight are merely a shadow of the explosion that is to come.

MERELY A SHADOW! Can you believe it? I believe it, but I know I don’t quite understand it.

The first week of school, I had the following conversation with a student.
MJ: This is my motto for this year, “Don’t take life too seriously because in the end no one ends up alive.”
me: Hm. That’s interesting. So, where does everyone end up?
MJ: (with duh on her face) Dead, Miss.
me: Uh-huh. So, what should we take seriously?
MJ: What? Death, I guess.
me: Yeah, something like that. You know, the place where we’ll spend eternity?

I look back on that conversation (so providential and completely ‘out of the blue’ and yes, it’s they all call me “Miss”) and I know that this is what I am meant to celebrate. Not the fleeting, celebratory moments as ends in themselves, but the deepest delight comes in knowing that there is an eternity that will echo with the brightest of celebrations. And, in all this, how can I celebrate… how can I bear to celebrate so deeply and with such anticipation and then keep this beautiful eternity to myself?

(there I go again trying to get all one-liner worthy at the end of this post. ugk! so I’ll leave you with videos instead that have eternity in mind)
http://www.youtube.com/v/hRxkLq2cmQQ&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6

http://www.youtube.com/v/6M75Kk14018&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x5d1719&color2=0xcd311b

art source: http://eternalcanvas.com/index.html

Without going into too much detail (and making this cleansing process about me instead of the Lord)… I finally dealt with a very heavy guilt from a past sin. I knew the Lord was asking me to confess to the offended party and now I know Satan has nothing to hold over my head. Though I had asked the Lord for forgiveness long ago, I knew in my heart I needed to confess to the person as well. I ignored this conviction for years, but in the past week I finally relented and OH the sweet release!

Now, when Satan tries to deceive me with his lies of guilt and inadequacy, I just point straight to the cross and Truth. This week has been about God’s healing, redemption, and the work He can do through our brokenness in the lives of others. I just praise God for His victory over what is so filthy in our lives. I am honestly humbled everyday with the foolish, stupid things I do. I am more and more in awe of the Lord’s patience with such a wayward soul.

Sometimes I wonder if He rolls His eyes. I mean, I sure would if I had to watch me make so many mistakes. But, you know, I don’t think He does. I’m convinced that therein lies the beauty in His character – He never, ever changes. He is ALWAYS good and ALWAYS faithful, ALWAYS patient, and ALWAYS True. always.

I heard this song for the first time this week and it just seems to fit with this beautiful, redemptive lesson. This is almost exactly how I felt whenever I thought about this specific sin: dirty, ashamed, nothing to offer or bring. All of this I bring, all the rags, to the feet of my Prince and believe that His beauty will cover me.

wait for Your rain by Todd Agnew
I cannot believe I’m this dirty
I’m ashamed to even ask to be clean
‘Cause I can’t think of anyone less worthy
I have nothing to offer or to bring
I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of
One who’s beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait
I’m not even sure how I got here
Wondered to this darkness from Your light
I still remember walking in the garden with You
Now I’m just stumbling through this night
I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of
One who’s beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait
I wait for Your rain to fall
The waves of Your grace wash over me
I wait for Your rain to fall
Strange how forgiveness comes so easily
When I call Your name
And wait for Your rain
Lord, this desert is killing me
My throat’s dry from screaming Your name
I want to come home but the sands of time surround me
The dirt’s finally covered my shame
So I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of
One who’s beauty is beyond me
And I wait

If my life were played out on a stage, now would appear a stage direction in parenthesis (enter craziness).

I guess I must note that when I use the term craziness, it is in a very affectionate and joyful way. Craziness makes my life spin around and usually when I collapse dizzy on to the floor I have a smile on my face. I suppose that’s a way to explain it. Take these last two days for example – Tuesday and Wednesday we had retreats for 7/8 then 9/10 respectively (today was 11/12 and apparently three days was too much skipping school!). So, in one day we are expected to build the kind of atmosphere, unity, and crazy fun that the kids would normally find in one weekend.

That’s a LOT of screaming, hand-springing, jumping, chanting, singing, cart-wheeling, and altogether uninhibited fun-having. Last night I collapsed when I arrived home at 6:30 pm and by 7:30 pm I wondered what was the absolute earliest hour I could officially go to sleep without being completely lame and old. By 7:34 pm I decided I didn’t care about lameness… I cared more about my lower back pain from playing “volleyball” with a bunch of 14-year-olds and a giant ball the size of the sun (it seemed).

But, I love it. I love being silly, leading cheers, breaking the ice so the next guy has it a little bit easier. He can say, “Well, I may look ridiculous, but did you see Miss Nichols? Now, that teacher is trippin’!!” I don’t mind one bit. I think it’s kind of a gift, actually. And, if it gets out some of that awkwardness right away at the beginning, we may make some more headway in the true purpose of the day.

Yesterday, as I fell off the bleachers into the shaking hands of 9/10 graders to illustrate trust, I wondered if I’d gone wacko. Really, one of these times someone is going to get the shakes and move at the wrong moment and I’ll be rushed to some backwoods clinic because some kid decided he didn’t want to follow simple directions and save my skull. No, just kidding. But, the neat thing is, they did catch me. There are so many ways we can use that illustration… about trusting. First, trusting the Lord and knowing that if every single person in our lives disappoints us and breaks trust, He will not. He is faithful to the end. And, second, recognizing that God created us and called us to be part of the Body of Christ. As the Body we are responsible to support the community, though sometimes it may be scary or uncertain or even painful. This is the work of the Body of Christ.

You know the neat thing as you are “ministering” is that God ministers to your heart as well. At least, he does mine. Yesterday, I just felt such a strong sense of release that God will do the work of ministry faithfully with or without me. If I boast, let it be in His work, because He is sure to succeed.

Praise God!