Category: this is me

I will sail my vessel

There is something about the view of rolling Iowa hills from the window of a tractor that makes singing along to the radio especially exciting. It’s like “singing in the shower” with an incredible view!

I’m not normally one to like country music (or at least admit it), but it does seem strangely fitting with this backdrop. I will say the songs that really get me come from my childhood. I’d wake up early (when it was my turn to help with the morning chores) and go outside before the world woke up. It’s funny, country was the only station that ever seemed to work out there in that barn. I listened to Paul Overstreet, George Strait, Alan Jackson, and… Garth Brooks.

The other day, we were farming my grandpa’s land and The River by Garth Brooks came on the local radio station.

I’ll go ahead and admit it – I rustled up my best twang and sang from a deep place in my chest about sailing my vessel until the river runs dry – following my dreams like a vessel on a river.

I wondered how many times my grandpa said, “Well, we’re just gonna keep on farming until the Lord tells us different.”

With eight kids, nobody would have questioned him if he’d given up and moved on to something with a bit more promise of provision. But, in all my growing up years, I never heard his kids wishing their childhood happened any different.

The Lord certainly guided his way as a father as much as a farmer (of course, he had a wife who wouldn’t let him forget it). Maybe my grandpa’s quiet time with the Lord happened when he rode his horse out behind the barn to check the fields. I know my grandma would do her Bible study in the station wagon in the garage, where the kids were told she would not (under any circumstances) be disturbed.

I don’t know how they did it.

There are so many stories. Maybe someday I’ll start gathering and assembling all the stories I’ve heard that had this beautiful backdrop. 

Maybe someday I’ll have stories of my own, like packing my family of 10 into a 4 door sedan for a road trip or setting a feast for dinner (even in hard times) and watching it come out, “just right.”

Maybe someday I can …

let LOVE fly like cRaZy
in a way that generations after will remember.

Posted on by Caroline 3

little matches

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The other day (or was it last week? I am losing track), I was thinking (because I am unemployed and that’s how I spend all my extra time). If this phase is a dark tunnel, then God has been graciously granting little matches.

Here’s what I mean.

Until God allows the day to win the night in this tunnel of “transition,” He’s lighting little matches – little reminders that He is near, He has not forgotten me, and He wants me to be thrilled at even the notion of light.

You see, we get all wrapped up in HUGE, dramatic deliverance from trials. We have to squeeze tragedy and triumph into 30 minute TV shows and 2 hour films. When it comes to our own trials, we expect them to last just about as long. God doesn’t work within the schedule of TV digest or any other timeline we’ve superimposed on our lives. His tunnels and open spaces are the exact length needed for us to see His glory and nothing less.

So, I’ve adapted my eyes, if you will, to the darkness and I’ve found that the slightest spark is brilliantly bright! Take farming, for instance. Nobody (including me) would have said I’d end up in a tractor for harvest this year. But, there it is – a little match lit to remind me of all the ways God is providing and all the ways His fields are just as ripe for harvest and it’s no easy task.

And then there are the times I’ve been asked to speak at churches, the adventures in babysitting, the raspberry picking with my grandparents, the card playing with friends, the football games with parents, the crazy road trips to pick up missionaries, the missions conference with the local church, and the countless other examples of little matches sparked in my life to remind me of God’s presence, power, and purpose.

Last week, when a friend from church asked me to nanny for their family this week, she kept thanking me. All I could think to say was, “Thank you for being another reason why I haven’t taken a job!”

Every little match shows brilliant against a dark backdrop and reveals just how much God cares for me.

What little matches are being lit in your tunnel, dear friend?

let LOVE fly like cRaZy

Posted on by Caroline 2

10 things learned working Iowa harvest

I could title this, “everything I need to know in life I learned in harvest,” but I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

I’m still kind of a newbie in the fields (I’m hoping I can keep saying that until I gain more tractor confidence), but here are some things I’ve learned so far:

  1. knobs & levers – There are SO many knobs and levers inside a tractor these days! My mom always says that the minute I get into a new vehicle I have to pull everything at least once. Well, that was NOT an option. There were yellow knobs, warning knobs, green levers, buttons, and all sorts of graphics … it’s like a live version of a video game (and I’m not very good at those). Here’s my trick – find the knobs I can touch (radio, throttle, speed, lights, seat adjustment, steering wheel, walkie talkie) and then push and pull like I know exactly what I’m doing.
  2. lingo – Yep. There is most definitely farmer lingo and even farmer-specific wit/humor. This makes me nervous. I’m such a communicator that I start sweating if someone gives directions I don’t understand. “Swing round the south side ‘n come up ’round the bend ‘n I’ll unload.” The south side of where? which bend? are we unloading while moving or stopped?
  3. walkie-talkie – This is where the lingo happens.
    “Are you comin’ up over the hill?”
    “What’re ya tryin’a say? I’m old?”
    “Well, now that you mention it…”
    and then there was
    “Hey, did you finish up back there?”
    “Well, yeah there wasn’t much there…”
    “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t get lost”
    “I’m not that old, now… careful.”
  4. direction – There’s no way around it. When we’re talking north road, south fence, and aiming east, I can’t fake it. I used to call roads longways and sideways when I was little and that just doesn’t cut it in the fields.
  5. on the go – If I get to do this I am both excited and nervous. It means I drive alongside the combine as it unloads the corn into my grain cart. It means I’ve got to stay the right distance (about 5 to 6 corn rows) away from the combine and the right speed (about 3.8). That’s a LOT of pressure, but I always feel accomplished if I don’t mess it up. It sure helps when you have a gracious boss.
  6. there’s no bathroom – Well, you get the picture.
  7. yard lights – When it gets dark (like it did last night), my partner taught me to look around the horizon at the yard lights from the different homesteads to get oriented to where I was in the field. That was some handy advice right about 7:00 pm.
  8. food – Bring it because you might be out there for 8, 9, or 10 hours. That’s right. Getting into that tractor is a COMMITMENT and you better bring your stores like you are hibernating or you’ll have to call in reinforcement to bring you survival rations and water (Yes, I did have to do that).
  9. a fifth grader could do it – Yep. Every time I get excited about conquering another challenge out there in the field I remind myself that a fifth grader can do what I’m doing… and probably offer better jokes! 🙂
  10. Eeyore syndrome – I can never tell if it’s a good field or a bad field, good/bad yield, and good/bad weather, because the voice on the other end of the walkie talkie always sounds on the sad side.
    “So, are we getting a good yield in this field?”
    “Well, it’s alright. Sure is dry today… this stuff is just so dry.”
    and
    “Oh, we’ve only got that patch there left.”
    “No, there’s a whole other stretch ’round the back.”
    And, of course, this is with (almost exactly) the tone you would expect if Eeyore himself was giving you the information. I’ve learned the farmer is just cryptic by nature… and that I should try to take note of important things (like beans should hit right at %13 moisture and that a combine head for corn is much different than for beans) and then just give my best Tigger to bounce the spirits up a bit.
I’m going to go ahead and make an 11. the view – it’s amazing almost all the time. The blue sky… the clouds… the fields of crazy colors… the sun setting… all from the view of about 20 feet up.
So far, so good.
I guess even in the fields you can

let LOVE fly like cRaZy

Posted on by Caroline 5

don’t go chasin’ waterfalls

“…just stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to”

So, if you grew up in the 90s you know this song by TLC. It was the kind we would belt out on the bus ride to a volleyball game and sing in the middle of the night at slumber parties. And, apparently, it’s the kind of song that pops into my head when I start thinking about the next couple weeks. Honestly, it has nothing to do with leaving or Honduras or ministry… I think that (maybe) sentiment pushes us to grasp at anything nostalgic and apparently that was the first thing I touched.

The point is, I wasn’t prepared for Edo (Eduardo) to amble into my office this morning and announce that today is his last day. I think I gave him 1000 hugs and said, “I’m not ready for this” a hundred times. The strange thing is, the tears pop out at the most random times – like driving alone in my car – and sometimes I can’t find them in the most appropriate moments, like this morning when my heart was twisting at the idea that I won’t be able to see this fine young man grow and change the world.

My offers of facebook friendship and mutual blog-stalking seemed a bit shallow, but it was all I could offer between the awkward amount of hugs. I’m sure there is a book somewhere about “How to leave without losing yourself” but I’d honestly rather just go into this blind. I’d rather play this one spontaneous, with a skip in my step and respect for the sorrow in my heart.

Once I reign in my distracted mind, the C.S. Lewis song by Brooke Fraser is much more appropriate. Maybe it will encourage you this morning.

let LOVE fly like cRaZy!

Posted on by Caroline 3

cinnamon smells and salvation sounds

 

CUSTOM pumpkin cake with chocolate chips and cinnamon cream cheese frosting

I’ve been baking a lot lately, but that’s an understatement… I think I basically wear cinnamon as a new fragrance! In order to raise money for our mission trip, I’ve been taking orders and keeping really busy with the three items on my menu: pumpkin cake with cinnamon cream cheese frosting, peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, and cinnamon oatmeal cookies. I had to go with a large glass of orange juice tonight over the usual cup of tea to wind down – there’s just too much sweet and hot going on around here!

I am praising the Lord with every batch I make because I know it is HIS provision for these kids to walk under the banner of His name and serve this community. This weekend, I have students assisting me in the kitchen, though (as always) I am most grateful for their company.

Tonight, I snuck away to work out between bakings and this wonderful song popped up on shuffle in my ipod.

I pushed through my treadmill moves with vigor I usually reserve for much more upbeat music. As I pounded out that unforgiving conveyer belt beneath my feet, I sang along with Emily DeLoach. It made me think about a conversation I was having the other day with a wise friend of mine. (Don’t worry, if I’m ever inspired while on the treadmill, I usually just try to store it away and think about it later. If I tried the cardio/philosophy combo I’m sure something bad would happen!)

We were talking about loneliness… and how the closer we get to the heart of God the more lonely it seems. These days have been like that for me. I won’t pretend I spend hours a day in deep sorrow or that death surrounds me, but this deep loneliness seems to be a lot about a heavy, oppressive grief.

Sometimes I’m surprised at how close I feel to the Father while in the same moment feeling flung out of orbit from whatever was anchoring me. I think in those moments (sadly there are just moments) I may be opening my heart completely to the Lord’s love and experiencing it pour out just as quickly. Even as I am being filled, I am feeling it rush out of me and into all the parched places, desperate for a drink.

Maybe that’s where the loneliness comes from – well, the feeling of loneliness. I’ve come to Jesus asking for more love and He’s given it, but not for me to keep. As I feel His love rushing through me, I recognize at once my need for more of Him and my eyes are opened to the needs of others.

I could post the whole song, but these are the last two verses. Be encouraged tonight, my friends, as you journey in joy to be more like the Lord!

Thou the hated and forsaken,
Thou the bearer of the cross
Crowned of thorns and mocked and smitten,
Counting earthly gain but loss
When scorned are we, We joy to be the more like Thee
When scorned are we, We joy to be the more like Thee

Thou the Father’s best beloved,
Thou the throned and sceptered King
Who but Thee should we adoring,
All our prayers and praises bring?
So blessed are we, Savior Lord in loving Thee
So blessed are we, Savior Lord in loving Thee

let LOVE fly like cRaZy!

Posted on by Caroline 0

an introduction to 7 layer dreams

My mom makes a mad seven layer bean dip. I mean, people talk about it and not just around Christmas and Super Bowl – it’s kind of a big deal. I always admired the idea of 7 layers constructed for the sole purpose of complimenting a simple, overly salty corn chip.

When someone recently asked me the question, “What is a dream you have… you know? A dream that might be crazy, but you would love to make it happen?” I immediately thought of seven layers. Not because my dream has to do with beans, but because it’s complex and simple and oh-so-delicious. Also because the thought of attempting my mom’s (admittedly simple) 7 layer bean dip is a little intimidating.

I think my dream’s seven layers is the result of a concept I just invented called “adaptation construction.” This is a building technique utilized here in Honduras where people build a room onto whatever wall seems lonely. The result is a maze of concrete puzzle pieces that tell quite a lengthy story.

So, my dream’s like that – 7 layer bean dip and adaptation construction. It’s been growing and developing over the past few years and I’m sure now contains more than could possibly realistically fit in one dream. But, I’ve finally come to peace with that unfortunate realistic bit.

If God gave dreams that were realistic, there would be nothing to hope for, nothing to believe for, and nothing to risk everything on the chance that it might happen. I have a hunch that God lets us dream big things because we realize how small we are in comparison. He wants us to think beyond what is possible and believe He goes further still.

There’s that piece in me that wants to roll up the “adaptation construction” blueprint and never attempt the widely praised 7 layer bean dip. I have finally figured out what to call that piece: fear and pride. Sometimes chasing the dreams God has placed inside you means believing God is bigger than the fear of failure and that if and when we do fail, God can still be glorified.

I’ve shared these 7 layers with a few secret souls. I actually wrote out each layer in creative gobbledigook language and trusted gmail to deliver it intact. Today, a dear friend responded with some of the sweetest encouragement I could ever hear. Her heart is tender for dreams as well. She throws out that my-real-home-is-heaven-but-I-believe-in-praying-for-Thy-kingdom-come-now kind of vibe.

What a beautiful thing is sweet community. Even when it comes in the form of typed out words from miles away. This is the binding power of Christ and His Church!

let LOVE fly like cRazY
Especially to all you folks shivering inside of snow-banked houses! Here’s pictures from my parents home in Iowa. I don’t have to tell you that it’s much, much warmer here. 🙂

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Posted on by Caroline 0

some weeks need days like these

OH-SO-GOOD!

I am inside one of those contented moments you don’t want to climb out of, so I’m stretching it out as long as possible. I just ate the most delicious version of this blueberry pancake recipe, still drinking some piping hot coffee (of the freshly ground, delivered-by-my-friend-from-her-coffee-farm variety), listening to some saturday tunes, watching the in-the-middle-of-makings of valentines crafts in my bedroom, and looking forward to great devotion hidden in the pages of 2 Samuel.

Normally, when I sigh, it’s because I’m exhausted or exasperated (two ex words that describe me all too often). In this moment, I’ve got a whole lot of sighs in me, but they are the okay kind.

I forced myself to stay in bed this morning at least an hour longer than what is Saturday normal for me, because yesterday I left my contacts in too long and my eyes revolted red. That didn’t surprise me – the redness – because my eyes are sensitive. What DID surprise me was waking up this morning and seeing that the eye drops I put in last night before going to sleep was actually nasal spray. Ha! But even that didn’t break into my beautiful, extended, sigh-worthy moment this morning!

That’s when I decided that some weeks need days like these.

let LOVE fly like CrAzY

UPDATE: Proof positive that all our sinuses are connected – I put nasal spray in my eyes last night and all day my nose was super runny!

Posted on by Caroline 0

who is Caroline

If you saw this video on a Jeopardy game, then the answer would be “who is Caroline.” I made this when I was working for Texas Campus Compact in Austin several years ago. It captures a little slice of my life and gives a bit of history. I forgot I had it, so when I found it I thought I should post it in case it erases from my computer. Then, I thought, “It’s very weird that I thought to upload something to the internet in case my computer crashed. How things have changed!”

let LOVE fly like cRaZy

Posted on by Caroline 2

praise God for mercies anew!

It’s all about perspective, I suppose.

Today, looking back on yesterday, I can see God’s promises never changed. Things are brighter and more hopeful today, but not because circumstances have made them that way, but because I’m viewing them in light of who God is instead of who I am. My statement, “I need” is just as true today, but the difference is a focus on God’s provision.

As I’m thinking about all this, I realized a lesson that should still be fresh on my heart. Last Friday, a mission group from Missouri came to lead our staff in worship. Within the first few opening lines, I expected a fire-and-brimstone type of message (mainly due to the drawled accent and vocal inflection characteristic of preaching, pot-stirrers). But, I can say truly the power of that message was something deeper than delivery. Praise God He is gracious with us and promises His Word will never return void.

So, the message focused on Colossians 1:9-12, where Paul prays in earnest for these fellow believers. The pastor summed up how we can pray in the same way with these simple pleas:

verse 9
Lord, help us know what to do (Discernment)
verse 10
Lord, help us do what we know (Discipline)
verse 11
Lord, help us do it with the power You provide (Dependence)
verse 11
Lord, help us keep doing it (Determination)
verse 12
Lord, help us do it with joyful thanksgiving! (Delight)

I walked right up to him afterwards and asked if there was a way I could get a transcript of the sermon. Sure enough, the sermon showed up in my email today. I almost deleted it (because his name is a little strange), but when I opened it and saw the kind message and the sermon attached, I knew it was more than him keeping his promise. In my state of need yesterday, I prayed and vented and asked for support.

In God’s grace, today He gave provision by way of this sermon, smiling faces, and a light heart.

Today, my word is THANKFUL.

let LOVE fly like cRaZy

this also happened on Friday …


Posted on by Caroline 2

in need

There’s a strong push (can I say “in all of us”) to cut all ties, to fly free, to be independent … to need nothing.

I refuse to credit monthly cycles or lack of sleep or circumstantial chaos with the downward facing dog day (this may sound like a yoga move, but it is actually a bonafide way to describe a dreadful day) I just had. This kind of day feels like a punch in the gut or spit in the face or that scene in the old version of Willy Wonka where he says, “Stop, don’t,” ever so un-convincingly, as Violet shoves that strange gum into her mouth.

 

Today was all those things and a cappuccino. Well, the cappuccino I’m having now because the intense workout didn’t shake everything out. Now that I think of it, the cappuccino is only lessening the blow by the tiniest of margins.

So, I’m going to make this short.

I need.

I don’t know why or how long I’ve been listening to lies, but here’s the skinny: I don’t have it all together. I don’t have all the answers. I get nervous. I fear. I am not confident all the time.

I need.

I’ll just leave it at that. Maybe someone else can relate.

 

another example of this day... overstuffed

 

 

let LOVE fly like CrAzY

Posted on by Caroline 1