As I read Elliott’s book “Discipline,” I am constantly challenged to think about what it means to be a soldier in the army of God. I remember the childhood zeal that accompanied my strained vocals and exaggerated movements, singing, “I may never march in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, shoot the artillery. I may never fly o’r land and sea, but I’m in the Lord’s army.”

Looking back, I realize the absoluteness with which I sang. I didn’t know exactly what my enlistment entailed, but my allegiance was complete.

Elliott writes about the first phrase her high school interest wrote in her yearbook, “No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.” 2 Timothy 2:4

Of course, neither Elizabeth or John could know at that point what the Lord had in store (and praise God for His plan for this couple!). This Scripture reminds me that my allegiance as one in God’s army is not to make great personal sacrifices – denying myself each day in heroic acts of service. Rather, to live as Christ is my duty each day.

There’s nothing extraordinary about that.

When Elizabeth describes discipline, she writes, “We have said that Christian discipline is one’s wholehearted yes to the call of God. It is of highest importance that we understand the necessity of two wills, the one created by the other and ordained free, both operating in accord.”

God did this amazing thing – in creating us to participate in creation. Man has extreme liberty in making decisions. Yet, if we rely totally on God’s sovereignty we may forget our own responsibility as disciples. And if we rely totally on our own efforts, “we make ourselves God.”

The more I reflect on this life of enlistment, the more my desire grows to fulfill my duty as a true servant would. Servants don’t wait around for their master to assign tasks. No, instead good servants fill their days with things that please their masters. When the day comes to a close they seek no credit, having just done their duty to their master.

What a drastically different mindset.

I’ve had a complex mix of emotions since arriving here. Sometimes doubts of inferiority creep in to steal my joy, and I feel myself requiring more affirmation and man-made credit for the work of my hands. Then, I think about my duty to my Savior and Master and realize my steps to please the Father are exactly the expectation.

I can rejoice in that. I can sing praises knowing that God designed me for discipleship. In the very smallest particle pieces of who I am, God knit together a creation to reflect His glory and serve completely.

“How do I know I’m called?” Elliot writes as she quotes every man’s fears and suspicions. But instead we should ask the question, “How do I know I’m not called?” We can be sure God designed us for service to display His glory, just as surely as we can be sure the Sun was made to shine and a flower was made to bloom.

Need my coffee!

Had a great day with Ruth Ann and Roman on Monday, and spent Tuesday and Wednesday with my PT nanny family, so I’m just now getting back to the blogging board from the romper room to try and put more of my mission trip into words.

The mission trip was a like a fast track out of my comfort zone. Not just because it was in an area of the US that feels like a foreign land, but because for being such a spontaneous gal, I’m extremely structured in some parts of my life. Like my morning ritual. Wake up early, read bible, make healthy breakfast and coffee, get ready for the day. It takes about 2 hours, and it gets my day going RIGHT! I am being truthful when I say that the world is better for it, as my morning crankiness has 2 hours to be turned into Christ’s love by the time the world meets my smiling face. 🙂 Anyway, of course this was not the case in New Mexico. Facing a day of cooking, cleaning, child-teaching, insulating and building without my full mornings with the Lord was way out of anything I’d be comfortable with in “real life.”
But on a mission trip, you adapt.

I stumbled out of bed at 5:30 or 6, to rush to the kitchen to help our wonderful cook, Minerva, along with my team. With toothpaste crust flanking my mouth on either side, I tried follow simple directions without making a mess of everything or bursting out in tears from exhaustion and lack of “me” time. In my normal life, this would have made for a do-over day. You know, one of those days where you just want to go back to bed as soon as possible and wake up tommorow? Anyway, not an option on the mission field. So, you stumble through tasks, hoping for understanding for those around you, and use the bathroom as your pull-it-together spot. No one likes to wake up this early and work in the kitchen, not the head cook, not even the morning people. But you do what has to be done. You work because people need to eat- they need to eat so that they can serve the Lord by working hard all day long. So you do what needs to be done.

Along with the bathroom God-chats, I pulled into the reserve of hymns, memorized verses, and the Holy Spirit within me, and He was faithful. Faithful to fill me with His Spirit, faithful to work in this unworthy vessel.

Now that I’m writing about this, it really makes me a little embarrassed of how incredibly spoiled I am. Not just in material possessions, but in my walk with God. I have gotten used to a certain amount of time with Him, writing my prayers in my journal, no interruptions. So much so that if one little thing is off, it can throw off my whole day. How silly to think that if my journal is missing or an emergency happens, that I can’t spend quality time with the Lord! I have Him with me- we can speak anytime! I have hidden (not much, but some!) his Word in my heart, and that is always with me! Faith is not about a “God-time.” That’s one lesson that the mission trip taught me. It’s listening when he is speaking, instead of doing all the talking. It’s about a wild adventure that he’s taking me on, and not a 1 hour box that I put him in. Faith is about me, giving up me, over and over, and asking Him to take charge.

Lord, take charge today. Take this day and make it yours. I give this whole day to you, and everything in it. Not one hour, or one journal entry, or one chunk of scripture. This whole day. Fill me with your spirit and teach me in your word. Help me to give over more and more. Help me to become more like you. You are good.

Today I woke up waiting for a call from an employer. Seems I’ve been in this place for 2 months now- waiting. Waiting and praying and believing that God will provide, but also wondering how long do I wait before I have to move towards another option? I’m in that place again. Somewhat frustrating to be here still, since August is coming to a close soon.

It’s hard to figure out the place where believing in His ability to provide for you, and moving forward. Because you don’t want to try and take over for Him who is obviously in control, but also, as our Mom says, “God doesn’t drive parked cars.”
Sidenote- of course, this isn’t exactly theologically correct, because of course if God wanted to, he could drive a parked car. But I digress.
Meaning that we as Christians can’t just sit around thinking, “Well, if it’s God’s will, it will happen.” So, what do you do? I’m mainly doing a mixture of praying a lot, believing that God will provide, looking at my bank account a lot and budgeting like crazy so that the money I’ve saved will last me, and looking into different temporary PT job options.

My good friend Annie told me a story while we were on the mission trip. It’s about a guy who was stranded out in the sea. He was a faithful man, so he prayed, believing that God would save him. He prayed and prayed, and soon a tanker came near. The driver yelled to see if the man would like a ride. The man said “No, I’m waiting on God to save me.” Then a helicopter came by the next day, and shouted down to get the man on board to safety. The man had the same reply- “No thanks, I’m waiting on God to save me.” Then the next day, a cruise ship filled with vacationers came by and asked the same question- Sir, we’ve come to save you, get on board! He had the same reply, “No thank you! I’m a faithful man, and, I’m waiting on God to save me.” The next day the man died, and when he met God, he asked him frustratingly, “God, why didn’t you save me?” And God says back, ” I TRIED TO! I sent a tanker, a helicopter, and a cruise ship!”

Anyway, So I guess what I’ve decided to do is pray, believe, and look for the little ways God’s sending me help in the meantime. Which he is! Praise God, he’s been so good to provide for my needs by sending me jobs out of the woodwork! And I’m trying to trust him with the BIG things too, like the 3rd interview I have tomorrow, with an establishment that just might be the absolute perfect job for me. Actually, more than trying, I’m praying that he’ll take every worry out of my hands and my anxious heart, and not let me have it back! And he is good, he is good to take care of me. What a great God we serve!

Yesterday, I went to the 9:15 service before I got my Spanish on at the Spanish service. I knew they were studying James, but I was so glad to be blessed with the message from James 4:1-10 on relationship strife. James is so perfectly practical – he gets down to the nitty gritty details of our spiritual lives. And this passage in James really reminded me that God designed our hearts and minds in such a way (His image) that we seek to live in harmony with others around us. Though not always the case, our relationships should reflect our Creator.

James writes about the frustrations of relationship strife, but re-directs the question to one of personal nature.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

Our relational struggles often come out of our own personal issues about wanting things we don’t have.

You want something  but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

So, it’s kind of a dreary cycle: We want something we do not have -> we get jealous and covet and hate -> we still do not have it -> this leads us to quarreling and fighting -> we do not ask God -> when we finally do ask God, it’s because we want for our own selfish pleasures -> then there will inevitably be more jealousy, fighting, and self-seeking.

I know – it sounds so base, but this is what I do left to my own devices. Sometimes I get so down on myself about relationships – feeling guilty about not keeping in touch and wishing I could be more to more people. What I am realizing after reading and re-reading this passage is that if I’m truly desiring good relationships, I have to be serious about my personal relationship with the Lord. Instead of trying to find external reasons why I quarrel, I have to first examine my heart. Francis Schaeffer writes in True Spirituality about sin always starting inside (often unseen) before it manifests itself in an external act, like harsh words.
James gives a painful admonition when he says,

 “You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?”

What then? We are a depraved people – as Isaiah said he was, “a man of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips.” We all feel the physical separation from our Savior, but what are we to do?

James responds with a reminder that God gives us more grace and a reference to Proverbs 3:34 …

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Humility? Is that really the key? My pastor talked about perfect submission… that we would come before the Lord and say, “You can have me, all of me.” The practical things will follow: resisting the devil, drawing near to God, cleansing through repentance, grieving the weight of sin. God promises to lift us up when we humble ourselves before Him.

Somewhere along the way, we got convinced that relationships were about other people. But, I really don’t think that’s how God has designed us. We are made to worship our Creator first, in personal relationship. Relationships with others grow wearisome when we are not living in submission to the Lord.

Oh, heavens, how I need help with this one! Especially now when I feel all a jumble!

Last weekend after a lazy afternoon at the art festival, I headed over to the west side to have dinner, and a friendly game of chess with my friends Katie and Byron at their lovely townhouse. I didn’t know that the chess part of the deal until after dinner (I have never played, and am notoriously bad at remembering rules for games like that,) but played along and tag-teamed it with Katie against Byron.

It was so fun, and interesting, playing with them! Katie was getting so worked up, and stressing out about every single move. I, of course, being 90% uncompetitive, just sat happily; making suggestions and watching them agonize over their next moves. It was funny seeing my friends in this way- usually I would think Byron is the more competitive one, but I saw that this was not the case at all. Byron would sit back and smile, waiting for her to move, and she would fake- curse under her breath (awww- flurg! Etc. :)) and get all worked up over the death of a pawn to an opposing piece. When she left the room, he made a comment to me about how that was her downfall in chess- she doesn’t see the big picture and she gets too worked up over all the insignificant losses in the game. Always playing in reaction to his moves, and not keeping the big picture in mind.

I didn’t really think much about it, until church the next day- when the sermon was about encountering problems in life. It was crazy because I was hearing that same thing- why are we getting so caught up on the little things, and assuming the worst? Our pastor talked about Genesis 42- when Joseph’s dad Jacob was lamenting because Joseph was asking for Jacob to send Benjamin to Egypt. From his vantage point, everything had gone wrong, and it was about to get worse. To give some background to the story, Joseph’s brothers had sold him into slavery many years back. They told Jacob he was dead, and of course it was heartbreaking for Jacob. When Joseph got to Egypt (where he was taken,) he had a rough life including accusations of rape and time in prison. After some years in jail, Joseph was able to rightly interpret some dreams of the Pharoah, and was given a place of high honor. The dreams foretold of a nationwide drought and famine, that it became Joseph’s job to prepare the country for. Fast-forward, and Joseph’s family back in Canaan desperately needed food and supplies, and some of Joseph’s brothers went to Egypt to get them. Joseph commanded that they go home and bring the brother they had left in order to get supplies, and that’s where the story picks up.

In Genesis 42: 36, it says “Their father said to them, “You’re taking everything I’ve got! Joseph’s gone, Simeon’s gone, and now you want to take Benjamin. If you have your way, I’ll be left with nothing.”

The thing is- Jacob was wrong. He wouldn’t be left with nothing. Joseph was alive and well, which Jacob would soon find out. Benjamin would go to Egypt, come back safely. And the family would be spared from the famine that plagued their country.

God had a bigger, better plan than Jacob could see. He was working in all of it, the whole situation, to bring glory to his name, and safety to his people.

When all the brothers were finally in Egypt with Joseph, he finally let them know the secret that he’d been keeping.
In verses 4-8 of chapter 43, it says… “Come closer to me,” Joseph said to his brothers. They came closer. “I am Joseph your brother whom you sold into Egypt. But don’t feel badly; don’t blame yourselves for selling me. God was behind it. God sent me here ahead of you to save lives. There has been a famine in the land now for two years; the famine will continue for five more years—neither plowing nor harvesting. God sent me on ahead to pave the way and make sure there was a remnant in the land, to save your lives in an amazing act of deliverance. So you see, it wasn’t you who sent me here but God. He set me in place as a father to Pharaoh, put me in charge of his personal affairs, and made me ruler of all Egypt. “

And what happened to Jacob? Well, after much prodding from God, he and the rest of the family moved to Egypt as well. And the story ends pretty well…

Genesis 47:11-12 “Joseph settled his father and brothers in Egypt, made them proud owners of choice land—it was the region of Rameses (that is, Goshen)—just as Pharaoh had ordered. Joseph took good care of them—his father and brothers and all his father’s family, right down to the smallest baby. He made sure they had plenty of everything.”