Category: this is me

sweet smell of spice and other things nice

Tonight we got back into the monday-baking swing of things. Elena and Alejandra brought laughter as a friend to fill all the lonely spaces in my kitchen (only recently vacated after Christmas left). We detoured from our normal crowded kitchen routine because there was just simply too much catching up to do. I baked and they talked – anything else would have resulted in a disaster on all sides.

I promise I would admit it if I resented their un-helpfulness, but I’ll tell you what I told them, “Just having you in my house makes me so happy.”

I felt like a 26 year-old version of my own cheesy mother… and, well, I don’t mind a bit! I realize now that all those times we were crowding my mom probably made her feel pretty popular. I don’t think it was just the smell of spaghetti or casserole or chicken… I think it was a kind of home-baked smell she had that invited us in to chat. It could be wishful thinking, but I hope I inherited that fragrance!

It doesn’t hurt that just the sight of this beautiful apron (thanks, sister!) brings culinary inspiration!

 

as you can see, the baking was accompanied by much laughter!
Posted on by Caroline 0

Firsts

  1. First time away from my family over the Christmas holidays
  2. First time sunbathing in December
  3. First time I ever hosted a storybook character costume party
  4. First time I ever made bacon ice cream (don’t knock it – I got the recipe from some hoity-toity French chef and I’ll add that I got pretty much all rave reviews)
  5. First time attending Christmas Eve service in Spanish… and having a special prayer time at the end for two elderly ladies from the church who were kidnapped
  6. First time eating Christmas dinner at midnight on Christmas Eve
  7. First time celebrating many holiday moments via skype
  8. First time hosting a visitor in a foreign country for one of the most precious holidays
  9. First time (in Honduras) jamming out in the car to all sorts of songs with someone who DOESN’T think I’m crazy for doing so
  10. First time crafting almost every single gift I gave for Christmas (also the first time I worried like crazy that the recipients wouldn’t understand my artistic ideas and appreciate them enough to not throw away the hours it took to make them!)
  11. First time I witnessed in the craziest display of fireworking power in the hands of pubescent boys with gasoline and lighters and an awkwardly stuffed straw man who was blown to smithereens at the stroke of midnight… to celebrate the New Year
  12. First time the streets of Tegucigalpa were not bumper to bumper (for the entire holidays most of the roads were like a ghost town)
  13. First time I picked up a visitor in the afternoon from the airport and then didn’t let him sleep until 2 am … and then wake him up 2 hours later for our bus trip to the next country over.
  14. First time I achieved 7:47 on my first of four miles on the treadmill! I can thank my high school friend Joelle for this one. I have no idea why, but when I saw she ran a mile in 7:47 it became my goal to make that my first mile, but still run it at intervals. I know this doesn’t make any sense to anyone … but I was so excited!
  15. First time trying out my new treadmill moves (see Patrick Swayze post)
  16. First time returning to school from vacation feeling like I needed a vacation… and at least three days to re-adjust my body’s clock from 3 am to 10 pm bedtimes.
  17. First time (probably in the history of man) that two people started to completely randomly sing this same line at the same time, prompted by nothing in particular, “you get a line, I’ll get a pole, we’ll go fishing in the crawfish pole…” Two brains can actually be random and weird at the same time!
  18. First time realizing how beautiful it is to have someone from one world I love walk around in another world I love equally as much.
  19. First time truly appreciating the power of family tradition and the importance of presence.
  20. First time I had people packing “to go” boxes from the spread of baked goods at my party.
  21. First time in a long while that I started an finished a nice, lengthy book in a few days.
  22. First time taking Nertz to a whole new level: I played in almost every eating establishment open late over Christmas in Tegucigalpa, in at least three places in El Salvador, with students in my house and in public places, individual and groups, and even outside. Oh! and did I mention I have a Nertz Christmas ornament? I do!

Okay, I know if I go on it will get boring. If I get a list out of the way, I generally am more likely to start writing for real. And I know there is at least one person out there (ahem, Hilda) who will keep asking me every day until I get back into the habit.

let LOVE fly like cRaZy!

Posted on by Caroline 1

Patrick Swayze SPOTTED

I started writing this post a couple hours ago… on a treadmill at the gym (in my mind). I entered the hallway (ahem, I mean gym) like I usually do – with my eyes anywhere but making contact with my late-night workout comrades. With my sneaky, gym-trained eye, I recognized the slow-moving man on the newly installed elliptical and noticed a new face on the bike. I climbed on the treadmill and set my eyes firmly on the serious twin staring back at me in the mirror as I pumped up the workout jams in my Ipod. I pushed some buttons and then focused my gaze on four miles and a painful finish line.

That’s when I realized something strange was happening on the next treadmill. First of all (from what I could gather in a few “where’s-that-clock-in-here?” glances), he had a snazzy looking dri-fit shirt tucked in at his trim waist to long, black workout pants. He, too, was looking at the mirror, but it was as a movie star would make eyes at himself and say, “Looking good!”

That’s not the strange part.

As I kept rhythm with Trevor Davis and Passion Pit, pounding that stationary track, his movements kept pulling my attention away from my steady beat. I started to catalogue these movements as he repeated them… and then I started to get jealous because his workout was DEFINITELY beating my workout on the creativity scale.

Then I realized two things:
1. This guy was not young, but he possessed the same in-shape charm Patrick Swayze (rest in peace) mysteriously mastered for oh-so-long. He managed movements that looked more like a game than the regular tire of a treadmill. With little effort, he seemed to work every muscle group and keep it real with his movie star face.
2.  I should take notes.

I kept a straight face, but it was super hard. I just kept to my boring, serious routine… all the while sneaking glances at his different moves. At two miles, I thought I’d seen all he had, but at 4 miles I had to pause Enrique Iglesias and run to the bathroom… where I grabbed a scrap of paper and a pen (providentially stashed away in my purse) and jotted down everything I could remember. So, here are the mostly technical names for Honduran Patrick Swayze’s treadmill workout moves.

  • the Hitch – This move was subtle – I felt like I could hear Will Smith saying, “Keep it right here” because his shoulders had the slightest sway and I swear his hips were moving. He wasn’t really walking or jogging, because it was more about his arms.
  • bounce-bench – This move had two variations. The first he was kind of speed walking/bouncing while doing kind of a push-up on the bar in front of him. The second he had his hands on the side bars for more push-ups.
  • hop-SKIP-kick – This is the initial move that sold me before I saw anything else. This move looked like the dance floor at a wedding feast. So, it was basically just as I’ve named it – a hop, then a skip with the opposite foot, then a kick with the other foot. If it sounds complicated, it certainly is… and I loved it!
  • air runner – This was like watching a runner in slow motion. Using the side handles, he would make long strides and jump into the air.
  • push it push it – There is a reason I added another “push it” for the name of this move. He put the work level way down on the treadmill, but then he got into a stance like he was pushing a broken car down the road.
  • side sweeper – This was one of the surprise moves toward the end of my four miles. He started to swing from left to right while also managing a syncopated rhythm with his feet.
  • the boxer – This move definitely required the movie star stare in the mirror as well as some well-placed jabs in the air and the shuffle of his feet, alternating at times to run sideways.

I honestly don’t know how any human being could make a treadmill do what I just saw tonight. And that is why I am convinced this Honduran Patrick Swayze was an angel – a fitness angel that came to spice up my workouts. I credit my mom for my restraint, because I wanted so badly to ask about his techniques.

When he left, the slow-moving man was still plodding along and I didn’t have enough gumption to try anything in front of people. When he finally left, I tried out a few of my own, which I’ve called “ska run” and “ballet toes.”

Thank you, Patrick Swayze’s Honduran angel… my workouts will never be the same!!

Posted on by Caroline 4

a few things to make you feel better today

  • I’ve spilled coffee on my floor too many times to count in the last weeks because it gets lost in the crafts (can I also mention that I’ve tried to drink the water holding my brushes? it’s in a mug and clearly too confusing for me to discern drinkable liquid from crafting liquid)
  • My battery talks. No, really… it’s like Herbie’s cousin or son or something. It started last week and even though I’ve changed things and consulted people it still happens. I first noticed the beeping and incessant lock/unlock (no it’s not a daftpunk song reference) last week and annoyingly thought it was my friend’s car. When I finally went out to check, I found the car chirping like a bird and the locks raising up and down. That’s right… “possessed” was the first word that came to my mind too. So, I unhooked the battery and slept soundly and confronted it the next day and the next, when it kept doing the same thing! I felt nervous to go anywhere because my car was basically asking thieves to have good timing because it would OPEN up for them! Every night, I unhooked the battery and every morning I connected it again… until it didn’t start one morning and my very helpful neighbors told me it was because my connection was loose (of course, I thought, I’ve been disconnecting it every night!). So, I got it “fixed” by my friend Don Marcos and thought it was all swell… until today Tara and I went to a store and came back out to find my car unlocked. Super weird!
  • I eat popcorn as a major food group almost as much as I eat chips and salsa. They make up a huge part of my appetite.
  • I sing while running on the treadmill. I’m sure it’s strange for passers-by, but I can’t help it. Sometimes I get really into the music and if the beat hits at the same time as my feet, there is a good chance I’ll close my eyes and mouth a few words. One time I did just that and almost fell right off the end!
  • I write raps when I drive… like out loud. I’m not sure if this will make you feel better today, but I know it would give most of my students “pena jena,” which means they are embarrassed for me. I most definitely make up raps and then sometimes I call people and leave rap messages. I feel clever for a few seconds and then I desperately hope they don’t think I’m a freak… and by then it’s too late.
  • The other day, when talking to one of my UBER-cool friends, she said, “How do you do it?” to which of course I responded, “Do what?” She explained that she thought she was weird, but couldn’t keep it up all the time. Me, on the other hand – I somehow always got my quirks on. It’s true. I wear quirky like it is ALWAYS in style. oops.

Oh, trust me… there are SO many stories. I hope these made you laugh this morning… and also made you thankful you are most definitely more “normal” than me.

let LOVE fly like cRaZy

Posted on by Caroline 2

Counting my blessings!

When I posted “back from hiatus,” I should have said “update from hiatus” because for the past week I never really got back into the habit of posting. With crafts up to my knees in my bedroom, a long weekend of fellowship, and various other distractions (not to mention a soul in need of a little mending), blogging didn’t top my list.

Now, I find myself with too many things to share. I’ll start by saying I’ve eaten green bean casserole leftovers twice this week. Delicious.

A small plate with a serving of mashed potatoes.
Image via Wikipedia

To be honest, one of my favorite parts of this past thanksgiving weekend was an impromptu singing of the hymn “Count Your Many Blessings” around the thanksgiving table with my makeshift family. We all stood around a table of goodies with our own thanksgiving traditions tucked away in our minds, but when we broke out in song I’m sure the joy burst out from my face.

The next day, starting at 10 am, I started preparing for my own thanksgiving feast. From homemade honey whole wheat bread to green bean casserole to mashed potatoes to turkey to baked apples and (of course) mini pumpkin pies, it was certainly a feast. After the last lovely lady left (after 11), I sat finishing up the pumpkin carving with foil in my hair (funny how older girls still like to play “salon”) and a mountain of dishes in the sink. I can’t explain how wonderfully adult it felt to package up the leftovers of the thanksgiving feast. It’s like breaking out the extra baskets of bread leftover after the feeding of the five thousand… the blessing of the feast just keeps giving!

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I’m not sure if I shared the right thing just now… but I hope that what you hear is how beautifully blessed I felt. I praise God for the way community can form in unlikely places to build up and encourage in a way unique to our Christian bond.

It’s December 1st. Can you believe it? I’m so tempted to write a long list of ways I am failing and behind and unproductive and misguided these days, but I will refrain.

Instead, I will say that today it felt good to

let LOVE fly like cRaZy

in this beautiful season of expectation.

 

Posted on by Caroline 1

back from hiatus

That’s right. I took a hiatus – an “interruption in the intensity or amount of something” – from the blog. I know this means I did everything wrong in the eyes of the up-and-coming blogger. Consistency is key! Well, feeling real life on my fingers was key for the past four days and maybe you’ll just take my word for it.

In the case that you’d rather read a few words, I’ll indulge you with some snippets. In short, I get overwhelmed sometimes. I looked up the definition for overwhelmed, because I love words, and 1, 2b, 3, and 4 seem appropriate.

o·ver·whelm  (vr-hwlm, -wlm)tr.v. o·ver·whelmed, o·ver·whelm·ing, o·ver·whelms
1. To surge over and submerge; engulf
2.a. To defeat completely and decisively
b. To affect deeply in mind or emotion
3. To present with an excessive amount
4. To turn over; upset

Before my mom starts to worry about an impending nervous breakdown, I don’t think “submerged, affected deeply, presented with an excessive amount of something, and turned over” are altogether negative things.

It’s just too much.

Well, here are the snippets, anyway. Some are good and joyful and some are sad and painful. Maybe you can take all the overwhelming pieces and make sense of them.

  • My light bulb in my room is burnt out and I don’t seem to have the right multi-tool (which I was convinced could fix anything) to unscrew my complicated ceiling light), so I have been crafting for the last few days on my floor with the light of my computer and a desk lamp. I’m a little worried about the following: the color combos I am coming up with, my failing eyesight, the way I insist on spreading everything out around me and then bending over it for hours.
  • Watercolor. It’s amazing! Where has it been all my life?
  • The Christmas decorations have now been up in Tegucigalpa for a good, long month. Christmas songs are streaming out every speaker and you won’t find me a bit disturbed. Whoever made the rule that Christmas can’t start until after thanksgiving obviously never considered that, “Come, let us adore Him” is a year-round invitation!
  • I want to write. Sometimes I want to write ideas and notions so badly that I can’t touch a keyboard for fear I won’t do the idea justice. Words are so weighty. They are heavy and cumbersome and I love them. I wish I could find the space to fit the bulky words that have taken up residence in my soul. I’d love to park them somewhere nice.
  • We are in the final stretch for our Operation Christmas Box. We’re doing our own version of Christmas in a shoebox for the beautiful children of Amor y Fe y Esperanza. I’m so PUMPED!
  • I’ve got chocolate glazed pumpkin cookies cooling in the kitchen and 31 amazing seniors to deliver to tomorrow. Yep – THIRTY ONE seniors brought their Bibles to chapel today. My prayer is that the Word would be ALIVE to them. I watched and then chewed through this message by John Piper on Sunday, “Holding Fast the Word of Life” and I want more than anything that we would hold fast to the words spoken by the Creator of the Universe! “He is the Vesuvius of joy” and we turn our heads and say it is boring. Ouch.
    Here is an excerpt:
  • I hate sin. I mean I really hate it. I know this isn’t a surprise, but this week it was closer, raw, and ugly. I hate sin that causes families to break up and the sin that causes sons and daughters to hurt and the sin that leads girls to believe lies and the sin that prevents me from being at all useful. I hate it.
  • I’m still mulling over ideas about art and beauty. This is certainly one of the topics in which I’d gladly submerge myself, but I can never quite put the pieces together to write about it.
    I love this quote from contemporary artist Makoto Fujimura about art and culture,”We have a language that celebrates waywardness – but we do not have a language to bring people back home.” That’s kind of “it” in a nutshell, I guess.
  • Another thing I don’t mind being submerged in is God’s promises. Whenever I’m faced with hardship or a tough conference or the gnarly sin sneaking in to steal joy all over the place, I remember. I remember God is sovereign. He is good. His plans are never thwarted. Yep, I’d like to be daily “presented with an excessive amount” of His complete sovereignty.
  • Guess, what? THANKSGIVING is this week! I’m super-duper pumped to throw my thanks everywhere. I’m planning a Thanksgiving dinner this Friday for my senior ladies, which will involve a monstrous amount of baking. I’m also super pumped to set up our own version of a drive-in movie in someone’s backyard.
  • Last, but not least… tomorrow is the first-ever pep rally led by the first-ever pep squad coached by first-ever coach (you guessed it) me. I’m pretty sure this is the first time in history that someone is trying to calm high school nerves about a high school event at the ripe old age of 26! I almost couldn’t sleep last night, because I’m just sure the girls are going to get out there (they have absolutely no idea what they are doing) and then run off and I’ll be left to animate the crowd with my antics (which are usually reserved for small dinner parties!). Lord, help us!

Well, there it is. A comeback from a hiatus heaped up high with the verb “overwhelm.”

If nothing else, I pray this night finds you

letting LOVE fly like cRaZy

Posted on by Caroline 4

who am i kidding?

I can talk a big talk, jump a big joy, and sing a strong song… but, today I’m humbled because my sin still tangles me.

I’m frustrated… and that hour workout did nothing to chase it away. No surprises there.

Songs that got me through today:
Sara Groves‘ new album – seriously, do yourself a favor and chime in with the ladies of this prison to sing the songs of Christmas. It’s a privilege, to be sure. You can download the album for free on her website!
Brooke Fraser‘s song Flags breaks my heart because it forces me to dig deeper and cling to God’s promises. I’ve got to believe this today.

“You who mourn will be comforted
You who hunger will hunger no more
All the last shall be first
Of this I am sure

You who weep now will laugh again
All you lonely be lonely no more
Yes, the last will be first
Of this I’m sure

Sia‘s song “I’m in here” is easily a song to get depressed to. But more than that, I am sad because she is singing a clamoring anthem of so many who are crying out and desperate, but hear no response.
Lovelite is part of an amazing network of musicians called Come and Live. These guys are about glorifying God with music and making it available to us … for free. If you passed by me at a stoplight today, you probably heard me belting this Lovelite song, “There You Are” because I needed to be reminded that whenever I am faithless He remains the same.

“And if ever I am faithless
I can’t escape Your greatness
From the brightest of places
To the infinite spaces
There You are, there You are”

Sometimes you just need some instruments in your life. For me, right now, that’s Jeremy Larson‘s circadian cues (a sneak peek at his new album) and a song by Victoire called, “A Song for Mick Kelly.” I don’t know much about the latter band, just like this song (download it free here).

Lastly, I just downloaded (because of my “friend of the blog” status at Tim Challies) this Sovereign Grace album called “Sons and Daughters.” That got some airplay today and I’m glad it did.

Now, I’m going to be honest. If I take the advice I shell out every single day, then I am going to go digging. I’m going to grab my shovel and dig until I find the deepest promises. Then I am going to anchor myself and brace for the storm. That’s what I’m going to do, because who am I kidding? I’m pretty rotten and sinful and I need a Savior as much as my students do!

Posted on by Caroline 0

we are looking at the same stars

My mom sent me an email this morning, bright and early before electricity was working in my neighborhood. She wrote to update on James, who was released this morning, praise the Lord! He posted pictures on facebook from the collision and I am thanking the Lord for His presence and provision on Friday night.

God's hand of protection surely covered him!
the mash-up

God has surely preserved James so he can continue to live glorifying the Lord. I’m praying James’s life verse will be rooted more firmly in his heart,

But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls.
(Hebrews 10:39 ESV)

The only reason my mom left the first surprise hospital visit was to trek across the state to be with my gram in a different sterile room. My grandpa followed an ambulance in the middle of the night in a snowstorm on Friday and yesterday my mom joined them. Praise God, gram is stable and my mom is there to support both of them. She will get a pacemaker tomorrow and we will pray she flies through all procedures without any difficulty.

And here I am, making a mess of crafts in my bedroom.

the space in the middle is where I sit

I guess this is what I do when my arms can’t reach that far.

I am so confident placing my loved ones in the care of my Savior. I am confident in His plan and in His eternity and in His love. And only for that confidence can I trust it will be okay, because in His presence there is fullness of joy (Ps. 16:11). All the time, joy.

So, when I read my mom’s last words of encouragement I smiled a silly smile inside.

“Have a great Sunday, sweetheart.  You are not that far away.  We are looking at the same stars.”

Yep, we sure are. And, today, the goal is not to worry or be anxious, but to walk boldly in the peace of Christ,

letting LOVE fly like cRaZy,
for the glory of Christ’s name and for the good of all people.

Posted on by Caroline 0

“I know what I’ve got”

When I first heard this phrase, my inspiration was in every way different than what is now holding my heart space.

When I first heard this phrase, I was sitting behind the report card table for parent-teacher conferences, flipping through files and looking for appropriate parental conversation pieces. I mistook the shy spirit of one of my favorite seventh grader’s for nerves and (knowing she had done well) asked her parents if they were worried.

“Of course not. I know what I’ve got,” her mother told me.

I love her sincere confidence… and remembering the little celebration that happened when I handed over the first quarter report card.

Well…
tonight, I got nervous. I got a little weepy when I found out my brother was in a serious car accident. Details were scarce and I was feeling the distance. I am completely helpless to do anything… and that frightens me a little.

So, I’m clinging to this phrase from report card night – not because I think my brother is amazing and strong and a fighter (and he is all those things) – but because “I know what I’ve got” in my always victorious Lord. When he said nothing could separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8), I believe it reaches me just as quickly as it reaches my brother tonight.

If I know the Lord, then I know He is sovereign over even this.

Posted on by Caroline 3

oh my soul, faint not

Sometimes I’m not even aware that my soul needs lifting.

I praise God in those moments for His complete sovereignty … and the grace He has to reach down and remind me I am surely safe in His presence.

Between yesterday and today, God hemmed me in with His provisions of His presence. Three packages from the States and Canada, kingdom-seeking conversations in my office, and beautiful time spent with my Bible study girls tonight felt like a handmade quilt wrapped perfectly around my winter body.

God is so good.

In Bible study tonight, we tackled the divine romance, illustrated in the first marriage of Adam and Eve. We trudged through some Old Testament background on covenant and arrived at a beautiful, exposed place. My heart got all twisted somewhere in the midst of our discussion because I wanted to communicate how beautiful is God’s love story with us and His plans for us. I wanted to cry several times.

There are so many things I pray and hope for these ladies… and all my hopes have to do with their pursuit of their Savior. If they are fixing their eyes on Christ, the author and perfector of their faith, there is no possible way to end in disappointment. The alternative – pursuing a man or a dream or a career – will always let us down.

I left to the gym after the last ladies took off and I hit the treadmill running like mad to this new song by Jenny and Tyler called “Faint Not.”

It might seem a strange song to feel so strongly about after my Bible study, because the lyrics focus on poverty, pain, injustices in the world and our sometimes haggard response.

What seemed so appropriate tonight – running and sweating and praying like crazy for my senior ladies – was believing God would be faithful with His promises:

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;  but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
(Isaiah 40:30-31 ESV)

My heart bursts with this prayer – this plea – that we will believe He is stronger than any deception, allure, temptation, or danger. When we seek Him, He lifts us.

The chorus to the song is simple, but I’ve been singing it on replay:

Oh my soul, faint not
no, faint not
Oh, my soul, keep on,
oh, in love

I’m so glad for God’s timely reminders that He is sufficient. He is gracious. He is present.

let LOVE fly like cRaZy

Posted on by Caroline 0