In my journaling the other day, I wrote, “… a very persistent Wormwood character has done a great job of distracting me from the purposeful prayer I desperately need.” Maybe I dive too deeply into the spiritual warfare Frank Peretti so delicately describes in his novels… but I have definitely been feeling the familiar distractions that tear me away from what is most important.

I like to be busy… a stream of appointments, sleepovers, and coffee dates where I can listen and advise and laugh and grieve with people I care about. I also like solitude… long, unbroken and unscheduled hours where the only thing able to find me is a good book.

Both these things sound very good. Yet, little weaselly Wormwood gets into even the good things and takes away from the motive and heart behind them. I can shut myself up in my room and read all day, but feel horribly unproductive and selfish at the end. I can also run a mile/minute meeting with students and friends, doing crazy outreach and feel absolutely depleted.

Sometimes I feel stranded out in the middle of no-man’s-land while the ‘real’ saints go off to battle in prayer… those are the people who aren’t distracted by Wormwoods.

Thankfully, C.S. Lewis has been such an encouragement through his little book of letters to his friend Malcolm (which, of course, he never intended to be published. He actually said he would be embarrassed if his reflections on the matter were published!).

I guess I’m just reminded of my human-ness … and I end up in the same place, needing to rely completely and totally on the Lord. I’m trusting His hand will guide, whether I am feeling distant or attacked or close or encouraged.

This is one in a string of hard days. I am pressing in… hard and deep into the Lord because I know nothing else to do. It is not my pain that troubles me, but the pain of those around me that is drawing me to lean on the All Sufficient One. Some of you already know about the student here who just lost her dad suddenly to a heart attack.

As I have petitioned for peace for the family and specifically for my student, I am intensely aware of this raw battle of which we are a part. Every moment I spent with the girls at the visitation, every hug and tear, every single prayer that ended with, “Lord, pray for me,” and every question that pricked my heart – in all these things, I return to His promises.

Two songs have been blessing me as reminders of the beautiful way the Lord is near. Nichole Nordeman’s song, “You are Good” assures that God does not change. He is just as worthy of my praise this moment as the next. At times we can confuse “mourn with those who mourn” with mourning for our own feelings. We see pain in someone we love and begin to focus on how we are affected. Right now I am moved by empathy, to just love on my student who is hurting… to listen… and to proclaim who God is.

You are Good
Nichole Nordeman

When the sun starts to rise
And I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day
With each stone that I lay
You are good, so good

With ever breath I take in
I’ll tell you I’m grateful again
When the moon climbs high
Before each kiss goodnight
You are good

When the road starts to turn
Around each bend I’ve learned
You are good so good
And when somebody’s hand
Holds me up helps me stand
You are so good

With every breath I take in
I’ll tell You I’m grateful again
‘Cause its more than enough
Just to know I am loved
And You are good

So how can I thank You
What can I bring
What can these poor hands
Lay at the feet of a King
I’ll sing You a love song
It’s all that I have
To tell You I’m grateful
For holding my life in Your Hands

When it’s dark and it’s cold
And I can’t feel my soul
You are so good
When the world is gone gray
And the rain’s here to stay
You are still good

So with every breath I take in
I’ll tell You I am grateful again
And the storm my swell
Even then it’s well and You are good

The other song that touches maybe deeper is this by Lori Chaffer. Honestly, it’s a hard one to listen to because it is real and raw. You may not understand it unless you have gone through an intense hurt. I just listen and think of the reality that sin has consequences… that there is death and war and famine and brokenness. Though we must deal with reality, we know also that God does not let death win – that Jesus conquered the grave and has conquered death in our lives.

You Will Always Hurt

by Lori Chaffer

First there was the dawn
And I couldn’t sing a song to you
Then there came the rain
But I couldn’t seem to blame you

Sometimes it rains
Sometimes it snows on you
Sometimes it sleets
Sometimes it defeats you

It’s quiet on dark nights
And you must give up the fight before long
Trust is not a game
That naive stupid people play in youth

Sometimes it rains
Sometimes it floods you
Sometimes you bleed
Sometimes you just need to make it through
Make it through

You will always hurt
You will always sting
You’re my badlands
My grand canyon
My empty stream
You’re my reservation
My second place consolation
My devastation
A thorn
A pang
A deep dark heartache
My greatest fear
A lonely tear
Hopelessness
An empty caress
An earthquake
A broken plate
Lost innocence
A cheap defense
My delusion
My confusion
A cancer
A wrong answer
A lost game
Fickle as fame
A bad critique
A glass that leaks
A fallen leaf
Talk too shallow
Ground that’s fallow
Fatal attraction
Nuclear reaction
False resurrection
Thrown election
You’re my silence
My violence
You’re a sad song
You’re a long, you’re a long, you’re a long way from home
You’re a long, long, long, long way from home
You
You will always hurt
You will always sting
‘Cause you won’t let go of everything
Until you’re quiet one dark night
And you give up the fight you’ve fought so long
And find that trust is not a game
That naive stupid people play in youth
And you let it rain
You let it flood
You let it drive out all the pain of love

These are just my thoughts as I sit here waiting for parents to come in to conferences, wishing I had gotten approval to skip out and go to the funeral services today. This is just what I am thinking.