Category: Thoughts

full moon

That’s right. There’s a full moon. I’m celebrating with my second cup of lemon tea and a bit of mission trip planning.

I can truthfully say I am equal parts exhausted, joyful, sad, and hopeful. If you throw that in a recipe, I think you might get me sitting on this couch with Phil Wickham singing with serious gumption from my computer and a lot of jumbled thoughts in my head.

I’m glad you don’t have the recipe, actually, because I don’t think I would want to create this mix of emotions again. I guess it’s one of those never-wish-it-like-this BUT glad-it’s-here type of things. God is so good to bring about the things we would never think to ask or want because He knows we will cling to Him all the tighter for it.

I think love makes a person sad, but not in the lame, mopey way. I think love makes a person sad because the tighter we allow ourselves to hold onto people, the more we realize how fragile they (and we) are.

Sometimes I hate it that I can’t fix things. I hate that I can’t make every sad moment better or every bad day brighter. If I could, I’d have a smooth solution for every mess in the lives of the people I love. But, though it’s hard to want, I know the process is more precious and powerful than a smooth solution. I know we are being refined and God is being glorified. I know that simply ‘making things better’ is not what this faith journey is about.

We have eternity set in our hearts and it doesn’t sit so well in this world for a reason. We have a citizenship in heaven, where God has a forever of BEST planned.

I am praying that this strange, beautiful mix of emotions points to the forever of BEST. I am praying that the sad songs my heart plays are because I want the people I love to join me in that forever. I am praying that the joyful swirls my spirit dances are because my delight comes from that same forever place.

Hmph. Words won’t do. I’ll blame it on the moon.

let LOVE fly like cRaZy!

Posted on by Caroline 1

an overflowing kind of full

Today I had such a beautiful conference with a student. After a lot of round-a-bout talk about ways people disappoint us, we broke it down into my two favorite categories:

1. what I can control
2. what I canNOT control

It was easier to start with number 2, so we made a nice lengthy list and felt confident we weren’t leaving much out. Then, we agreed all our worry and anxiety over what we canNOT control is only creating more worry and anxiety because (of course) we can’t change it.

THEN my favorite part: we talked about all the wonderful things we can control and how powerful those things can be. We can control what we think of people, how we respond to people, what we say to people, how we look at people, and also what we think, say, feel about ourselves… we went on for awhile discovering what is in the realm of our control before I asked her how in the world she could have the power to choose these things if she knew she wouldn’t receive the same in return.

She fumbled a bit. (And I did, too, honestly. It was one of those I’m-counseling-you-but-I’m-getting-alot-out-of-this-too moments.)

I asked, “Who fills you up so you can do all those things you just said? It’s true you can control what comes out, but how?”

In the oh-so-typical response, she said, “God.”

Something clicked in that moment and I got really excited. Yes! God does promise us life abundant (John 10:10) – an overflowing life – when we come to drink from the well of Living Water (Isaiah 55:1).

When we come to Him and ask to be filled He doesn’t mess around. He doesn’t measure things out and make sure we’re filled just up to the brim. He doesn’t even bother with showing off His sweet design of hydrogen bonding (you know, when water bulges on the top of your glass but doesn’t spill over).

what happens when hydrogen bonds in water

When God fills us it is ALWAYS an overflowing kind of full.

always an overflowing kind of full

God offers everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). His is the only Love great enough to give without hope of receiving. When we choose to seek Him and be filled, our lives will always, always spill over with a Love greater than our selfish desire to be loved in return. The overflow will bless everyone within our reach and our joy in seeing His Love touch others will only motivate us to go back and be (over)filled again!

I can truly say my heart was encouraged as much as hers when we parted. This student is a gem, to be sure.

And you? are you going to the ONLY place offering true, overflowing life? You do know that is the only way you can

let LOVE fly like cRaZy
right?

Posted on by Caroline 2

sages of the ages

I didn’t travel back to the States over Christmas, but I was on the delightful receiving end of one very crowded suitcase that opened more like a treasure chest. I pulled out books, magazines, baking supplies, and gifts that seemed to be pining for a place under my borrowed (and fake) Honduran Christmas tree.

One of the beautiful things I opened came with an inscription from a mentor I admire very much, “…learn from the sages of the ages.” The book compiled various writings from people who influenced the life and works of C.S. Lewis, one of my heroes. I’ve always said I would love it if there was a place up in heaven that is slightly peculiar and quite like a nook. I can smell the aged pages, the worn leather seats, and the pipe on the antique side table. The stacks of books are neatly askew and the shelves are exactly full of the best classics.

Okay, I’ll hop out of my dreamworld because I should probably hop into actual dreamworld. The bottomline is: today I found some great wisdom that has nothing to do with modern thinking or progress or post-modern mumbo-jumbo.

wise words from this man!

This quote from A.W.  Tozer tells it like it is:

“The best thing is neither to seek nor avoid troubles but to follow Christ and take the bitter with the sweet as it may come. Whether we are happy or unhappy at any given time is not important. That we be in the will of God is all that matters. We may safely leave with him the incident of heartache or happiness. He will know how much we need of either or both.”

I know that’s a far leap from my ranting about my library hangout in heaven with my good pal C.S. Lewis, but I love that these words get down to the nuts and bolts of things. Twice today (within the first couple hours of work) I was reminded that my reaction to frustrations can either dig a deeper hole or search for the sun. I stepped out of my selfish and petty ways for a moment to see that following is Christ is most important, then second to take things as they come. If I’m obsessing over the bitter/sweet then my eyes are clearly not focused on the One who can take me through either, offering joy on the other side.

Anyway, thanks A.W. Tozer for bringing some wisdom back! (I smell another parody… watch out Justin Timberlake I think I’ve got a hit – “We’re bringin’ wisdom back…”)

let LOVE fly like cRaZy

Posted on by Caroline 1

an introduction to 7 layer dreams

My mom makes a mad seven layer bean dip. I mean, people talk about it and not just around Christmas and Super Bowl – it’s kind of a big deal. I always admired the idea of 7 layers constructed for the sole purpose of complimenting a simple, overly salty corn chip.

When someone recently asked me the question, “What is a dream you have… you know? A dream that might be crazy, but you would love to make it happen?” I immediately thought of seven layers. Not because my dream has to do with beans, but because it’s complex and simple and oh-so-delicious. Also because the thought of attempting my mom’s (admittedly simple) 7 layer bean dip is a little intimidating.

I think my dream’s seven layers is the result of a concept I just invented called “adaptation construction.” This is a building technique utilized here in Honduras where people build a room onto whatever wall seems lonely. The result is a maze of concrete puzzle pieces that tell quite a lengthy story.

So, my dream’s like that – 7 layer bean dip and adaptation construction. It’s been growing and developing over the past few years and I’m sure now contains more than could possibly realistically fit in one dream. But, I’ve finally come to peace with that unfortunate realistic bit.

If God gave dreams that were realistic, there would be nothing to hope for, nothing to believe for, and nothing to risk everything on the chance that it might happen. I have a hunch that God lets us dream big things because we realize how small we are in comparison. He wants us to think beyond what is possible and believe He goes further still.

There’s that piece in me that wants to roll up the “adaptation construction” blueprint and never attempt the widely praised 7 layer bean dip. I have finally figured out what to call that piece: fear and pride. Sometimes chasing the dreams God has placed inside you means believing God is bigger than the fear of failure and that if and when we do fail, God can still be glorified.

I’ve shared these 7 layers with a few secret souls. I actually wrote out each layer in creative gobbledigook language and trusted gmail to deliver it intact. Today, a dear friend responded with some of the sweetest encouragement I could ever hear. Her heart is tender for dreams as well. She throws out that my-real-home-is-heaven-but-I-believe-in-praying-for-Thy-kingdom-come-now kind of vibe.

What a beautiful thing is sweet community. Even when it comes in the form of typed out words from miles away. This is the binding power of Christ and His Church!

let LOVE fly like cRazY
Especially to all you folks shivering inside of snow-banked houses! Here’s pictures from my parents home in Iowa. I don’t have to tell you that it’s much, much warmer here. 🙂

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Posted on by Caroline 0

some weeks need days like these

OH-SO-GOOD!

I am inside one of those contented moments you don’t want to climb out of, so I’m stretching it out as long as possible. I just ate the most delicious version of this blueberry pancake recipe, still drinking some piping hot coffee (of the freshly ground, delivered-by-my-friend-from-her-coffee-farm variety), listening to some saturday tunes, watching the in-the-middle-of-makings of valentines crafts in my bedroom, and looking forward to great devotion hidden in the pages of 2 Samuel.

Normally, when I sigh, it’s because I’m exhausted or exasperated (two ex words that describe me all too often). In this moment, I’ve got a whole lot of sighs in me, but they are the okay kind.

I forced myself to stay in bed this morning at least an hour longer than what is Saturday normal for me, because yesterday I left my contacts in too long and my eyes revolted red. That didn’t surprise me – the redness – because my eyes are sensitive. What DID surprise me was waking up this morning and seeing that the eye drops I put in last night before going to sleep was actually nasal spray. Ha! But even that didn’t break into my beautiful, extended, sigh-worthy moment this morning!

That’s when I decided that some weeks need days like these.

let LOVE fly like CrAzY

UPDATE: Proof positive that all our sinuses are connected – I put nasal spray in my eyes last night and all day my nose was super runny!

Posted on by Caroline 0

in need

There’s a strong push (can I say “in all of us”) to cut all ties, to fly free, to be independent … to need nothing.

I refuse to credit monthly cycles or lack of sleep or circumstantial chaos with the downward facing dog day (this may sound like a yoga move, but it is actually a bonafide way to describe a dreadful day) I just had. This kind of day feels like a punch in the gut or spit in the face or that scene in the old version of Willy Wonka where he says, “Stop, don’t,” ever so un-convincingly, as Violet shoves that strange gum into her mouth.

 

Today was all those things and a cappuccino. Well, the cappuccino I’m having now because the intense workout didn’t shake everything out. Now that I think of it, the cappuccino is only lessening the blow by the tiniest of margins.

So, I’m going to make this short.

I need.

I don’t know why or how long I’ve been listening to lies, but here’s the skinny: I don’t have it all together. I don’t have all the answers. I get nervous. I fear. I am not confident all the time.

I need.

I’ll just leave it at that. Maybe someone else can relate.

 

another example of this day... overstuffed

 

 

let LOVE fly like CrAzY

Posted on by Caroline 1

fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love

“every day won’t be no picnic,
love ain’t no walk in the park.
all you can do is make the best of it –
can’t be afraid of the dark.
just know that you’re not in this alone
there’s a place in me that you can call home
whenever you feel like we’re growing apart
let’s just go
back, back, back, back, back to the start

anything that’s worth having
it’s sure enough worth fighting for”

This morning, I’m in one of those “cup runneth over” kind of moods. I’m sure Vampire Weekend (a band long before the ridiculous and strange vampire craze swept the ocean of tweens all over the world) was not thinking in the same sense when they sang the above song. But, this morning, as I sing out loud these words in my house, I’m kind of dancing to a different love story.

CHRIST is coming! He saw a relationship with me worth FIGHTING for… and that makes my heart feel just the right amount of full. I’ve been watching this Christmas story re-telling on replay and it’s only added to the beauty and mystery… reminding me of the awe with which we should all anticipate Christ’s birth. It’s so simple.

 

are you going to

let LOVE fly like CrAzY

today!?

Posted on by Caroline 0

back from hiatus

That’s right. I took a hiatus – an “interruption in the intensity or amount of something” – from the blog. I know this means I did everything wrong in the eyes of the up-and-coming blogger. Consistency is key! Well, feeling real life on my fingers was key for the past four days and maybe you’ll just take my word for it.

In the case that you’d rather read a few words, I’ll indulge you with some snippets. In short, I get overwhelmed sometimes. I looked up the definition for overwhelmed, because I love words, and 1, 2b, 3, and 4 seem appropriate.

o·ver·whelm  (vr-hwlm, -wlm)tr.v. o·ver·whelmed, o·ver·whelm·ing, o·ver·whelms
1. To surge over and submerge; engulf
2.a. To defeat completely and decisively
b. To affect deeply in mind or emotion
3. To present with an excessive amount
4. To turn over; upset

Before my mom starts to worry about an impending nervous breakdown, I don’t think “submerged, affected deeply, presented with an excessive amount of something, and turned over” are altogether negative things.

It’s just too much.

Well, here are the snippets, anyway. Some are good and joyful and some are sad and painful. Maybe you can take all the overwhelming pieces and make sense of them.

  • My light bulb in my room is burnt out and I don’t seem to have the right multi-tool (which I was convinced could fix anything) to unscrew my complicated ceiling light), so I have been crafting for the last few days on my floor with the light of my computer and a desk lamp. I’m a little worried about the following: the color combos I am coming up with, my failing eyesight, the way I insist on spreading everything out around me and then bending over it for hours.
  • Watercolor. It’s amazing! Where has it been all my life?
  • The Christmas decorations have now been up in Tegucigalpa for a good, long month. Christmas songs are streaming out every speaker and you won’t find me a bit disturbed. Whoever made the rule that Christmas can’t start until after thanksgiving obviously never considered that, “Come, let us adore Him” is a year-round invitation!
  • I want to write. Sometimes I want to write ideas and notions so badly that I can’t touch a keyboard for fear I won’t do the idea justice. Words are so weighty. They are heavy and cumbersome and I love them. I wish I could find the space to fit the bulky words that have taken up residence in my soul. I’d love to park them somewhere nice.
  • We are in the final stretch for our Operation Christmas Box. We’re doing our own version of Christmas in a shoebox for the beautiful children of Amor y Fe y Esperanza. I’m so PUMPED!
  • I’ve got chocolate glazed pumpkin cookies cooling in the kitchen and 31 amazing seniors to deliver to tomorrow. Yep – THIRTY ONE seniors brought their Bibles to chapel today. My prayer is that the Word would be ALIVE to them. I watched and then chewed through this message by John Piper on Sunday, “Holding Fast the Word of Life” and I want more than anything that we would hold fast to the words spoken by the Creator of the Universe! “He is the Vesuvius of joy” and we turn our heads and say it is boring. Ouch.
    Here is an excerpt:
  • I hate sin. I mean I really hate it. I know this isn’t a surprise, but this week it was closer, raw, and ugly. I hate sin that causes families to break up and the sin that causes sons and daughters to hurt and the sin that leads girls to believe lies and the sin that prevents me from being at all useful. I hate it.
  • I’m still mulling over ideas about art and beauty. This is certainly one of the topics in which I’d gladly submerge myself, but I can never quite put the pieces together to write about it.
    I love this quote from contemporary artist Makoto Fujimura about art and culture,”We have a language that celebrates waywardness – but we do not have a language to bring people back home.” That’s kind of “it” in a nutshell, I guess.
  • Another thing I don’t mind being submerged in is God’s promises. Whenever I’m faced with hardship or a tough conference or the gnarly sin sneaking in to steal joy all over the place, I remember. I remember God is sovereign. He is good. His plans are never thwarted. Yep, I’d like to be daily “presented with an excessive amount” of His complete sovereignty.
  • Guess, what? THANKSGIVING is this week! I’m super-duper pumped to throw my thanks everywhere. I’m planning a Thanksgiving dinner this Friday for my senior ladies, which will involve a monstrous amount of baking. I’m also super pumped to set up our own version of a drive-in movie in someone’s backyard.
  • Last, but not least… tomorrow is the first-ever pep rally led by the first-ever pep squad coached by first-ever coach (you guessed it) me. I’m pretty sure this is the first time in history that someone is trying to calm high school nerves about a high school event at the ripe old age of 26! I almost couldn’t sleep last night, because I’m just sure the girls are going to get out there (they have absolutely no idea what they are doing) and then run off and I’ll be left to animate the crowd with my antics (which are usually reserved for small dinner parties!). Lord, help us!

Well, there it is. A comeback from a hiatus heaped up high with the verb “overwhelm.”

If nothing else, I pray this night finds you

letting LOVE fly like cRaZy

Posted on by Caroline 4

“I know what I’ve got”

When I first heard this phrase, my inspiration was in every way different than what is now holding my heart space.

When I first heard this phrase, I was sitting behind the report card table for parent-teacher conferences, flipping through files and looking for appropriate parental conversation pieces. I mistook the shy spirit of one of my favorite seventh grader’s for nerves and (knowing she had done well) asked her parents if they were worried.

“Of course not. I know what I’ve got,” her mother told me.

I love her sincere confidence… and remembering the little celebration that happened when I handed over the first quarter report card.

Well…
tonight, I got nervous. I got a little weepy when I found out my brother was in a serious car accident. Details were scarce and I was feeling the distance. I am completely helpless to do anything… and that frightens me a little.

So, I’m clinging to this phrase from report card night – not because I think my brother is amazing and strong and a fighter (and he is all those things) – but because “I know what I’ve got” in my always victorious Lord. When he said nothing could separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8), I believe it reaches me just as quickly as it reaches my brother tonight.

If I know the Lord, then I know He is sovereign over even this.

Posted on by Caroline 3

movement madness

A little while back, I mused my frustrations in this blogpost about the fashion of movements these days.

I rambled on about the ultra distracted, rarely committed, highly energized generation we seem to have become. Our obsession with trends, revolution, and being a part of something “bigger than ourselves” with buzzwords like “countercultural” is a thin veneer. Sometimes, the “make a difference” slogans and painted posters in picket lines advertise self-promotion instead of a cause. We are deathly afraid our lives won’t matter, so we join the loudest crowd, learn their clever chants, and march in their lines, hoping our existence will amount to something.

It scares me to think about what will happen when the fad passes… when it is less trendy to identify with the broken and hurting in our world…

When we realize the $80 shoes aren’t that cute and we’ll never meet those barefoot kids. When we realize how awkward it is to wear a shirt that has the words “sex” and “trafficking” in bold letters.
When we realize the chants we are shouting actually require us to buy less, have less, and give more.
What happens then?

I’m not always this cynical, but I want to ask these questions of myself and our generation because I am concerned. I’m not worried. I believe the Creator of the universe has a plan to restore all of creation and that plan cannot fail.

I am concerned because we are given a very clear, very serious command to respond (not just with angry outbursts and clever marketing) in a very human way to the needs we see in this world (Isaiah 58).

I hope we can understand that at the end of the day, after all the cause-claiming blogs have been written and all the cause-supporting merchandise has been sent, that caring for the broken, the hurting, and the needy in this world is first and foremost a human responsibility. We can give up on t-shirts and recycled bags or move on to the next fad, but let us not lose sight of what is most important…

If the roots of our motivation reach deeper than trends to the rich soil of God’s heart, we will see that responding to the needs of the broken is not a cause…

it’s a lifestyle.

Just so you know I can be optimistic, too, here are some links that I think encourage the right kind of movement:
Love in Stereo
Nomi Network
Dalit Freedom Network
Gospel for Asia
International Justice Mission
Strategic World Impact

Posted on by Caroline 2